Some might say that much was lost in translation by the fake hand gestures of the sign language fraudster at Nelson Mandela’s funeral. Not me. I think never was there a redaction so accurate to convey the words of leaders and others who consistently deliver loads of malarkey to the denizens of the world. The fraudster, Thamsanqa Jantjie, summarized the year better than any of Time magazine’s lists can ever do: BULL CRAP!
America’s year started in optimistic song with Beyoncé singing at the President’s inaugural address, except that she was caught lip-sinking the national anthem. The “rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air gave proof” to the world that her words were not there! That very anthem, which ushers American soldiers to fight and die valiantly for the republic for which it stands, was used dishonestly at the year’s threshold, an ominous omen for the “year of doubletalk” to come. Further, to compound the kick in the flag, this icon of American success and free enterprise celebrated her anniversary with husband Jay-Z in communist Cuba.
And then there was Lance Armstrong, who also in January, was exposed as being the biggest liar on two pedals and the ring leader of an intricate doping scheme that betrayed the faith of his fans, family, foundation and nation. Let the sign language begin. Two thumbs down for Beyoncé and Armstrong.
Most Americans were more supportive of Ahmadinejad’s travel plans than Beyoncé’s, when the former Iranian president announced that he wanted to go to space after a monkey was sent up by his country’s space program. But it was not long after that that his government decided to make a monkey of America when the Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei accused the United States of “holding a gun” to Tehran’s head to pressure it to hold direct talks. How dare the United States do that when Iran merely aims to hold a nuclear gun at the world’s brain? And while they were spinning centrifuges, they had our president spinning like a dreidle with Chamberlain-like naiveté. So our president recently dropped the gun and lifted the sanctions: “Monkey see monkey do” equals the P5+1. Strangely, the president doesn’t take Iran at its word when it calls America the Great Satan or calls for the destruction of the US’s best ally, Israel, nor does he see the malicious intent when all proof and logic defies Iranian words. But he has faith in the Iranian’s ruse when they sign on to a sham agreement which Israel’s prime minister deems “an historic mistake” and which Kerry, who asserts Israel will now be safer, can’t even “sell” to some in his own party. He can’t sell it because our gourmand representatives, as useless as they are, at least know horsemeat when they taste it, unlike the rest of Europe which was mired in a horsemeat scandal this year. With hands in question-like posture we then ask, “When it comes to the Iran Deal and lunch in London we have the bull, now ‘where’s the beef?’”
And then we were lied to once again. At a hearing of the Senate Intelligence Committee, our Director of National Intelligence, James R. Clapper was asked: “Does the NSA collect any type of data at all on millions or hundreds of millions of Americans?” Clapper said: “No, sir.” When Senator Ron Wyden pressed him further asking, “It does not?” Clapper said: “Not wittingly.” Then Edward Snowden, the NSA whistle blower comes along and it turns out that the government isn’t just reading our emails and texts but they can turn our home computer cameras on and watch us “unwittingly” in our underwear. I’d really like to summarize with sign language, but I’m using my hands to cover my private parts.
This year proved that not only are politicians full of hot air but also 3.4 million cars had no air when automakers Honda, Nissan, Toyota and Mazda had to recall that many cars due to airbag “deficiencies.” But it was no April fools’ joke when Israel brought it to the world’s attention that Syria was using chemical weapons against its own people. However it was more convenient to brush off Israel as a word windbag than to deal with the Etch-a-Sketch red line. Plus, President Bashir Assad really cleared things up with his words: “We have not said that we possess chemical weapons, nor have we said that we do not possess them.” Luckily for some, Putin “saved” the day with a bear-hug and arranged a little Troika between Obama, Assad and himself. And only now, mid December 2013, after approximately 100,000 people have died since the onset of the Syrian civil war, a United Nations report concludes that Syria used chemical weapons against its own people. Bravo, UN, Bravo!
From Mayor Feel-His-Way Filner, whose lips were denying that his hands had gone prying, to Anthony Weiner whose contrition lasted as long as a lox platter at a bar mitzvah—we were fed falsehoods. From A to Zinc we were deceived, even by multiple vitamins which multiple reports now say only multiply profits but do zero for our health. It was a year of empty words hitting us in every direction and culminating with the biggest lie of all, “If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep it.”
Yes, the sign language fraudster gets my Person of the Year Award. With no disrespect to Nelson Mandela, it was a fitting symbolic incident to cap a year of lies. In a turn well deserved, he gave the conveyors of crap not only his middle finger, but all of them. And to that I say high five.