The following is an open letter written to Max Blumenthal after his lecture at Brandeis University on March 3, 2014, in which he verbally attacked Daniel Mael and Chloé Valdary for being Zionists:

Dear Mr. Blumenthal,

Our congratulations, sir, you’ve gone and done it! You’ve discovered our little secret! Our articles, our work in the Zionist movement for the past few years, the blood, sweat, and tears we have devoted to this cause — all of this has nothing to do with anything we firmly believe. No, as it turns out, we are really puppets whose strings are being controlled by a mega Jewish, (ahem) Israel lobby, an all-powerful Christian lobby with whom we have never actually had any association whatsoever, and also aliens from Mars who have deemed us to be the perfect pet project for their goals of world domination.

We really have no idea how you have come to be so gifted in academic prowess as to make these conclusions, but we commend you for your wisdom, Mr. Blumenthal. Really, we bow to your intellectual preeminence.

As it turns out, we are either white, rich, evil, elitist Zionists who only care about fellow white rich people, or black people who obviously have no capability to think for themselves. In fact, AIPAC flew us to its policy conference so we could hang out with other rich whites and black preachers.

You were also right about your anti-Semitism: There is absolutely no possible way you are anti-Semitic. Even though you have mocked Jewish ritual prayer and advocated for boycotting the only Jewish state on the face of the earth, there’s absolutely 0% chance you could possibly hate the dignity and self-worth of your own people. We shouldn’t even touch on your wonderful love letter to Israel, Goliath.

The only possible explanation for our appearance is that we have been “sent” by the proverbial lobbying monsters mentioned above. We know, we know, we are utterly incapable of coming to any conclusions on our own with regard to this conflict. Our simple undergraduate minds are incompetent, and we have yet to acquire basic analytical skills at this point in our lives. In fact, this letter is probably being ghost written for us at this point in time.

On the other hand, you, Mr. Blumenthal, have displayed such talent in moral acuteness as to deny an entire people their right to self-determination in their ancestral homeland. For this, we commend you for your dedication to the cause of humanity and justice.

Since you have found us out, we may as well list a few other things the Zionists are planning: We actually work for an organization called ‘The Elders of Zion.’ Perhaps you’ve heard of them? At any rate, we are two of their agents. As you can imagine, we are paid hefty sums of money, $4.6 billion a year to be exact. We are in charge of disseminating information around the globe, regulating U.N. meetings in New York, controlling seagull calls, and sending signals to sharks in the deep blue sea. We elders also work closely with Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Cinderella’s stepsisters in controlling things that occur in the world. You see, we were the ones who made Cinderella’s glass slipper come off when the clock struck “12.”

We are also behind the misinformation campaign that mischaracterizes Iran’s regime as evil and sinister. The Iranian regime is actually a democracy ruled by angels and ponies. The images on television of Iranian civilians being persecuted and oppressed is actually a vast conspiracy, a television show put on by Zionist actors and directors. The Iranian people are actually treated with kindness and goodness by their leaders; They are even given cute little treats from Candy Crush every day, and some are even selected to visit Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory if they really behave.

There are many more things we do in this world, but it would be too long to mention in this letter. I am sure you get the point. But you are correct: The community elders have programmed us. We have no minds; we are simply senseless robots with no emotions or self-control.

We commend you for your scholarship and your ability to provide accurate psychoanalysis of everyone and everything.

We have come to see the error of our ways and join you in calling for the destruction of the Zionist regime. Thank you for helping us see the light, sir. We join you in wanting to see the end of that horrid world-controlling machine. The song “Kumbaya” can now be sung and heard in every language on the face of the earth. Thank you for letting us see the light and we do apologize for controlling your world (and your speeches at Brandeis University).

Our very best,
Two Former Elders of Zion,
Chloé V. and Daniel M.

For more on Blumenthal’s lecture, see here: