Alice Walker won’t allow her book, The Color Purple to be read in Hebrew.

Secreted off the forbidden record of the Russell Tribunal on Palestine, Cape Town, November 2011

Counsel for the Hebrews

Your Honor, learned members, a belief in the inherent evil of the Hebrews can plunge even intelligent men and women to depths of ludicrous illogic. Spare a thought for the great man Bertrand Russell in whose name your show-piece court has convened to:

a) Find a way forward to bring peace to ‘Palestine’ and                                   b) Charge the Hebrews with crimes against humanity.

Only think of the wounding comments Lord Russell might have posted on the discordance of your twin objectives. And what comments might m’lord have posted when, scrolling down the names of jury members       (all paid, your Honor, to be in Cape Town to declare in one raucous voice the guilt of the Hebrews) only to find among the names a celeb who punts for chickens.

Intervention from the bench. Order – please! Coun-sel, I hope there will be no occasion for me to repeat myself. Levity has no place in a court of law. Tribunal members have sworn to conduct themselves with proper solemnity, and I expect no less of you.

Your Honor, the tribunal committee paid Alice Walker to add her voice to the guilty verdict.

Alice Walker, author of 'The Color Purple'

Well – Alice Walker? A celebrity you say?

Perhaps you recall a book, or a film, titled The Color Purple. That’s Alice Walker, your Honor. She lately tried her hand at seamanship, when she sailed on “The Audacity of Hope” with the Free Gaza Flotilla.

Go on, counsel, it has gone three o’clock, and the airs and views of Table Mountain beckon. Get to your point, if you have one. You’ve now introduced a flotilla. Oblige me, if you will.

I introduced one, your Honor, in getting to my point. The flotilla is an essential part of it. Crammed with clones of Ms Walker the flotilla sailed to free Gaza, media workers on board going along. They sailed to free a strip where media workers are controlled, intimidated, kidnapped and murdered – to free it from the grips of the Hebrews who allow media workers to do pretty much as they like.

I see…And the chicken punter?

Your Honor, to help save the people of Gaza, Ms Walker took time off from her crusade to save the chicken. If you find levity in that, I intended none. I merely state a fact. Jury member Alice Walker flits between saving Palestinians in Gaza and saving chickens in factory farms. She indeed talks of both in one breath – Palestinians and chickens:

The cruel and inhuman treatment meted out to Palestinians, who are frazzled and suffering everyday, and chickens that are raised under horrible, torturous conditions. People who tuck into chicken dinners don’t realise that they are eating something precious, beautiful, rare.

Your Honor, Palestinians and chickens are the two moral fetishes of Ms Walker. She indeed sees their predicament as comparable. Palestinians are caged in Gaza, while chickens are caged in factory farms:

If we must help those suffering in Gaza, so we must change the way chickens are thought about and raised.

Through chickens, your Honour, that soft-hearted lady wants to rediscover, “the peace we once shared with the other animals on the planet.”

An interesting woman! You may continue, counsel.

Continuation of argument for the Hebrews 

Not to take up more of the Tribunal’s time than I have to (I know that the last cable car for the upride departs 5.30), I’ve no wish to paint Ms Walker barking at the moon. I respect the woman for her Pullitzer-Prize winning novel.

My purpose is quite otherwise. I want to show that her lumping together of Palestinians and chickens, far from being funny, is important to the proceedings before this inaptly named court.

The woman, your Honor, encapsulates the cocktail of pity and paternalism that energises pro-Palestinian do-gooders. She, and they, view a Palestinian not as a human capable of organizing its life and making choices – as the Palestinian did make when freely electing Hamas on a Jew killing ticket. No, Ms Walker’s Palestinian is a wide-eyed pathetic creature that waits to be saved from subjugation under the Hebrews.

She looks upon her Palestinians as playthings for do-gooders; as loveable creature victims crying for pity sake. She wants to coo over them and stroke them, take a couple of Palestinians home, perhaps, to put in her garden for friends to marvel at and stroke ruffled feathers.

If you’ll allow me another minute of your time, this tribunal is no gathering of human rights activists. It’s a public pity fest, meant to demonstrate the moral superiority of Hebrew -haters on the one hand, and the moral degeneracy of the Hebrew people and supporters on the other. Inaptly named after a great humanist philosopher, the tribunal offers nothing practical to help Palestinians. Like the crew on Alice Walker’s creaking vessel, its members have come to Cape Town on purpose to demonize the Hebrews.

Then said they unto him, tell us, we pray thee…what is thy occupation? And whence comest thou? What is thy country? And of of what people art thou?

And he said unto them, I am an Hebrew, and I fear the Lord… Jonah1.8,9