Panic struck in the streets of Jerusalem today as a large unidentified object hovered over the Temple Mount. Security forces were scrambled to the scene.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called on the world to thwart the “global threat,” stating that the aliens were “not only an Israeli problem, and the international community must act now.” Stepping off the plane at Ben Gurion Airport, where he had landed following the AIPAC Conference, Netanyahu warned:
This is the largest threat since yesterday’s threat. Remember the Holocaust. The world must act now or Israel will defend itself. Aliens cannot be allowed to threaten the Jewish people. The enemy may be unknown, but as prime minister I will continue to warn the world against every threat, sowing fear and anxiety worldwide.
US President Barack Obama cautioned against any “premature” action against the aliens, arguing that diplomatic measures must first be exhausted. “Clearly,” his spokesman said, “the alien invasion is close to crossing a red line. The US will continue to support Israel and promises to act decisively after the elections.”
Although the most dramatic encounter with alien aircraft so far, today’s incident wasn’t the first: only last month, UFOs were spotted hovering over the Golan Heights, sucking up cows with their tractor beams.
Meanwhile, at the behest of the Palestinian ambassador to the United Nations, the UN Security Council convened an emergency session on “Settlement Building and the Dwindling Prospects of Peace in the Milky Way.” The motion to condemn Israel was eventually vetoed by the US, whose ambassador to the UN, Susan Rice, stated: “We’ve got Israel’s back; I mean, we’ve got ’em by the nuts.”
AIPAC came out in support of Netanyahu’s position. “We stand together with the people of Israel,” said Joe Hyams, a conference member from West Palm Beach. J Street, however, condemned AIPAC’s one-sided approach, while the spokesmen of Jewish Voices for Peace expressed understanding for the aliens.
Haredi Jews in Jerusalem, unwilling to wait for the government to respond, took emergency action themselves, erecting barricades across roads and calling for the female aliens to sit in the back of the mother ship.
Shas threatened to break up the coalition unless it received more funding and assurances from Netanyahu that he would release all Sephardic politicians currently serving jail sentences. “It is ridiculous that we still have Shas ministers in jail today,” former MK Shlomo Benizri said. “The suffering they endure is so much greater than the suffering of alien abductees.”
Later, Hamas supporters fired rockets from Gaza at Sderot, praising the alien’s campaign to “liberate Jerusalem from the filthy hands of the Zionists.” Members of the European Union called on Israel to show restraint and promised to send a fact-finding mission to Jerusalem right after the One-State Conference at Harvard was concluded.
Chief Rabbi Yonah Metzger wished the people of Israel a happy Purim, pointing out that the Jews had overcome far greater perils in the past. “Threats unite us all,” he said, throwing back a shot of slivovitz.