I was filled with apprehension while knee deep in preparation for Shabbat. This was not just any Shabbat, but the holiest of holies waiting before me. I was about to do the most trivial of preparations when I felt anxiety wash over me. I forced myself to make my way to the closet to get dressed for shul.
On Yom Kippur we are supposed to be like angels. We don’t eat or drink. We stand in service to G-d all day and many wear white to symbolize our efforts to be angelic. As I gazed over to the white dress in my closet I felt a sense of hypocrisy nagging at my conscience. How can I, mortal of mortals, be so brazen as to adorn myself in garb fit for the pure and untainted, only to stand before the All-knowing. I could hear the laughter from heavens mocking me saying, “have you not a clue what you’ve done? Are you so oblivious to your very own deeds?” Maybe I should really wear black. I mean, wouldn’t it be more appropriate? I felt a sense of mourning. I mourned over the loss of potential every time I made the wrong decision, said the wrong words or did “that” thing I knew full well I shouldn’t have.
The clock was ticking and I had to make the decision, black or white, what would it be?…..Then it hit me. No doubt I sinned, no doubt I am tainted, no doubt I am no closer to being an angel than a stiff necked donkey and this pains me greatly. What I really want is to be perfect before my maker. I yearn to be pure, good and true. I wish that my will was never colored and swayed by my physicality. I want to soar to great heights. I want to reside in a place where good and bad is
clear as day, where I’d never think twice and just do the right thing.
I know G-d hears my thoughts. I know that my deep desires are meaningful to Him and so I apologized with tears in my eyes as I slipped into the white dress. I am sorry dear G-d, forgive me for my sins, please accept my true desires as that of the pure deeds of the angels……
And so I wore white.