Poor Barack Obama.

We all know that he is the coolest, most in-touch American president in history and, if you don’t agree, well you’re  a racist or a Tea Party Member and you blame Eric Holder for everything that’s wrong in your life. You probably are clinging to your guns and religion and antipathy to people who aren’t like you. Now I know you may be thinking, “That makes me sound like some sort of an ‘extreme’ terrorist.” There you go again,making sweeping generalizations about a peaceful people practicing a peaceful religion.

The people who don’t like Obamacare are selfish and stupid, we all know that no one invented or created anything on his own in the United States and “Fast and Furious?” What’s that? Leave Eric Holder alone, especially since he’s the former Attorney General.

Or he will be.  Some day.  At some point. One day. Hope and very slow change…

Obama continues to get blamed for favoring Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood  (um — am I allowed to say “Muslim Brotherhood” or should I just say “Extreme Brotherhood” – striving to be P.C.), over that great big bully, that huge nation of Israel. They are so mean and aggressive and they build walls just because Hamas wants to rain stones and bombs at them. Can you believe that? And, so what if some “extreme terrorists” might want to smuggle in a homicide bomber into Israel every now and then – people must be free to express themselves!

And hey – Obama doesn’t have anything against the Sodastream folks – he just hates carbonated drinks.

“I just hate it when it feels like those tiny bubbles are going up my nose and bursting as they speed down my esophagus,” said Obama.  Free country. For him and Michelle. Why should he say “Islamist” terrorists when “extreme” terrorists as we all know, are pretty much the same thing. Sort of. Kinda. And vague enough to not upset certain groups of –well – “extreme” terrorists.

Stop picking on our POTUS!  You must try and wrap your head around the truth – when President Obama banned flights to Tel Aviv but not to Tehran or Amman or Damascus or, most curiously, Gaza — well, he was just very, very worried about Israelis and Jewish-Americans and that’s why he did that. He just over-loves us Jews and the Israelis. That’s right – overloves. It’s a new word, meaning loves so, so, so much that you treat them differently and while it seems that you’re treating them worse than everyone else and/or holding them to a different and seemingly unfair standard, (and you are), it’s because you “over-love” them. Get it, Israel?

Obama loves the Jews so much that when he was on his elvendieth vacation last summer at Martha’s Vineyard, he was quoted as saying, “I woke up at 4 a.m. one Sunday expressly to go gefilte-fishing – take that, Star of David people!”

He’s always looking out for our people. He has only good intentions for us Jews. In fact, it’s rumored he said that if we move out of Israel in into – well, he hasn’t quite come up with a homeland for us –that he would provide each and every Jew with the very generous Affordable Care Act he and his selfless Democrats pushed through Congress like one of those “Quick! Look over there!” sleight-of-hand moves when trying to conceal something from someone.

Obama is not, contrary to the popular belief of those very sensitive Jews, (no it’s not always about you!), rude or disrespectful or hateful toward Bibi – Obama’s just playing “hard to get.” Naming Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense and John Kerry as Secretary of State –it’s just a huge coincidence that both of these men would rather join the Taliban than a minyan.   So what if it was purportedly recently reported that, when told it was Martin Luther King Jr. who once said, “If you’re anti-Zionist, you’re anti-Semitic,” Hagel and Kerry both said, “Martin Luther King who?”

And now, in the past month or so, those mean, mean people everywhere – even his own press secretary, John Earnest, (who now, in hindsight admits in a very back-pedaling way, that perhaps it was a mistake) are picking on poor Barry for not showing up at the huge Solidarity Rally in Paris a few weeks ago. Come on – stop victimizing our poor, poor President Obama. He’s always a target, he’s such a great guy and he has everyone’s interests at heart…  Wish he could be president 4ever! As does he.

I’m sure there’s a very good reason Barack Hussein Obama was a no-show in Paris. Okay. Maybe not a really good reason. But a reason…

* “I…uh…those darned French irregular verbs have tripped me up since high school.”

 

*   “You go there and stuff yourself on those cream sauces, éclairs and foie gras and come home to Michelle yelling, “Let’s Move!”

 

* “I used all my American Express Membership Reward points for Maui.”

 

* “I thought “no-go zones” means you shouldn’t go there.

 

* “Not a single golf course in the 18th arrondissement.”


* “It was bad enough when Hollande asked if I’d wave a huge red flag and learn the lyrics to “One Day More,” and when he said Merckel would make a fine Fontine, I just couldn’t.

 

* I love Paris in the springtime. Rally = January = duhhhh…”

 

* “Had it on the Presidential agenda but when I found out that darned President of Mali called ‘first dibs!’ on walking arm-in-arm with Netanyahu, well, the thrill was gone.

 

* “Did you see the line at the Louvre?”

 

* “Rock/paper/scissors/Cowboys-Packers game.”

*“ I was there but for security reasons, Michelle made me wear one of those Parisian scarves, a cap and some Harry Potter glasses. You just probably thought it was Waldo.’”