Attention, all you gadget geeks and guardians of the global good – this is the app that you’ve been waiting for! Developed by moderate Muslim programmers in bunkers below Tehran, and sponsored by the moderate monarchy of Qatar (who also brought you moderate slave labor and moderate mega-mosques in most European capitals), we are happy to announce the launch of BoykotJoozQuikr, the app that keeps you up to the moment with the latest reason to be outraged by that awful-racist-apartheid-genocidal-fascist-inconvenient state of Israel and its horrible propaganda-parroting supporters, the international Jewish – oops, we mean Zionist – conspiracy.

Ahh, for the good old days, when you didn't have to pretend to be liberal to boycott the Jews!

Ahh, for the good old days, when you didn’t have to pretend to be liberal to boycott the Jews!

modern boycott

This app is so easy to download and use, that any useful idiot can do it; and just in case you have any problems, the technical support teams of university undergrads at Berkeley, York, Harvard and the Middle Eastern Studies faculties in all colleges and universities in the Western world (sponsored by our moderate allies, the Saudi royal family) will be happy to help.

To set up the app, you only need to click on the left side of the screen. For reasons of Political Correctness, you never go near the right side, and totally ignore any info or facts from there.

Here’s how it works: as soon as any headline in any periodical or online news site mentions a new Israeli crime against humanity, an alarm will go off. You can choose from Noam Chomsky clearing his throat or an off-key chord played by Roger Waters. For the hearing-impaired, there is the option of Catherine Ashton’s face flashing on-screen, guaranteed to stop anyone dead in their tracks.

We just downloaded the app and now will give it a real-time test run so you can see what a great step forward this is in the isolation and demonization of the Zionist Entity – oops, we mean the disgusting-religious-homebuilding-occupying-colonizing-satanic settlements over the magical Green Line.

Here goes:

9:03am – first headline –

CULTURAL, RELIGIOUS & DEMOGRAPHIC GENOCIDE FOR OVER 50 YEARS!

HUNDREDS OF PLACES OF WORSHIP DESTROYED!

THOUSANDS OF HISTORIC RESIDENTS REPLACED BY OCCUPYING SETTLERS!

Wow, this app works great! Where do we go for the protest? Er, wait a minute – this is about China taking over Tibet. Who the hell cares about that? Besides, all our t-shirts and sneakers are made in China, we can’t be expected to boycott them. Let’s try again…

9:55am –

HUNDREDS OF EXPELLED RESIDENTS’ HOMES SOLD TO FOREIGN SETTLERS!

That’s more like it! So who do we boycott for this one, huh? Maybe IKEA for selling these damned settlers their kitchen accessories? Let’s see….oh damn – this story is about the Turks selling Greek Christians’ homes to British pensioners on the northern part of Cyprus that Turkey invaded in 1974. That’s another no-starter; we can’t even find Cyprus on the map.

11:31am –

LAND-GRABBING COLONISTS BUILD UP COUNTRY OVER THE DEAD BODIES OF THE INDIGENOUS POPULATION!

OK, let’s see which store we’re going to scream in front of today…maybe Levi’s – that’s a Jewish – um, Zionist name. Aww, crap! This story is about the history of the United States, Australia, and most of Latin America! We can’t boycott ourselves in America – we like our homes and fast food, so we just don’t think of whatever happened to those damn Indians – oops, we mean native peoples, or something like that.

At this point in the test, let’s try out the Define Search option and enter “Palestinian”. That ought to correct this problem.

12:10pm –

PALESTINIANS IMPRISONED IN REFUGEE CAMPS FOR 65 YEARS!

That’s more like it! Now let’s get our instructions, where we pick up our freshly printed banners and placards and hear what we are boycotting – maybe it’s pomegranates this time; they seem Zionistic, with that six-pointed crown on top, and besides, we hate them anyway. Oh, no! This story is about the long-standing collaboration between the UNRWA and the governments of Lebanon, Syria and Jordan. This sucks – there’s not even a single Arab refugee camp in all of Israel – that’s just not fair!

1:35pm –

MUSLIM ELECTED OFFICIAL ILLEGALLY SEIZED AND DETAINED!

Typical Zionist behavior – now we’ll show them, maybe by screaming for hours in front of a cosmetics shop. Oops, hold on – this story is about Libyans kidnapping their own Prime Minister. Jeez, let’s make sure nobody ever talks about that again!

2:20pm –

DOZENS OF ARAB MUSLIM HOMES STOLEN, MANY BULLDOZED!

Perfect, now this is Zionist land-grabbing plain as day! There’s no way that anyone else could – oh no, this is too much! This is two stories: one about Haniyeh, the head of Hamas, taking beachfront villas in Gaza for his own family members, and the second report is about Egypt tearing down all private homes around Gaza’s border with the Sinai. So how come the UN, EU, the Hague and all the NGO’s are not screaming about this, huh? Ooops, sorry, we forgot that our job is just to protest as we’re told, not to ask any questions. We promise not to do that again!

3:31pm –

40,000 PALESTINIANS LOSE THEIR CITIZENSHIP IN ONE DAY!

An obvious Zionist trampling of the Geneva Convention, let’s call the graphics guys right now for new signs, and – what do you mean, this was done by the King of Jordan? He’s a moderate, isn’t he?

4:45pm –

100’S OF MOSQUES DESTROYED, 1,000’S OF PALESTINIANS SLAUGHTERED IN MISSILE ATTACKS!

OK, this time there is no way that Israel can get off the hook, because – what? This is about what the Syrian government and the rebels are doing to each other in Syria? Come on, what the hell is Israel doing- nothing? Let’s search for “Israeli actions” over the last few days….

4:46pm –

ISRAEL STILL HEALING HUNDREDS OF WOUNDED SYRIANS FOR FREE

ISRAEL WINS SEVERAL MORE NOBEL PRIZES

ISRAEL TAKES ANOTHER STEP TOWARD CURING CANCER AND PARKINSON’S

ISRAELI DRIP IRRIGATION SAVING COUNTLESS LIVES IN AFRICA

ISRAELI FIELD HOSPITAL TOPS IN HAITA RESCUE EFFORTS

ISRAEL DEVELOPS CROPS THAT DO NOT DIE DURING DROUGHTS

1,000’S OF GAZAN MUSLIMS TREATED IN ISRAELI HOSPITALS FOR FREE

ISRAEL #1 IN WORLD FOR WATER RECYCLING AND RECLAIMING DESERT

Had to stop the flow of info at this point, since it was overloading the app. No wonder we can’t find anything new for hating Israel today, they’re too busy doing all this goody-goody stuff just to cover up how really evil they are. How obvious can you get? If they were really smart like us, they’d learn to use exclamation points on all their headlines!

Well, this test run of BoykotJoozQuikr showed that there are still one or two bugs to work out; but still, it is a great idea for an app, helping you to maximize your outrage and pep up your protests, and all for a moderate price. There is also the “Beinart – JStreet” version of the app. This model comes with a loop soundtrack that continually says “I am not an anti-Semite!” and “Pro-peace!” – but the contents are still exactly the same.