Right, listen up: there has been a revolution. I am now officially Queen of the world. And, as such, I am issuing a number of decrees, effective immediately
First, social media is banned. Mark Zuckerberg and his Silicon Valley associates are going to be sent away to a handy salt mine I have found somewhere, and Facebook and all the other stuff is going offline for an unlimited period.
This will have several instant effects.
It will stop idiotic world leaders – you know who you are – from issuing blithering pronouncements on Twitter so that every other world leader knows exactly how stupid you are.
It will stop dozy teenagers from walking around, eyes glued to tiny screens, bumping into people, and prevent said dozy individuals from cataloguing life in terms of the number of “likes” and little emojis that they receive.
Oh, and while I am at it, my subjects are never going to be asked ever again how they “rate” a service — BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE BEING PAID FOR.
Second, BBC Question Time is going to stop. It is a festering swamp of a programme, giving airtime to self-indulgent fools and leaders of UKIP.
Oh, and for that matter, no Kippers are ever going to be asked their opinion on air about anything, ever again. So we won’t have any unpleasantness about Kippers bigging themselves up and pretending they are what they are not.
Third, anyone who seeks to “apologise” for having written vile anti-Semitic stuff online by saying they “have no memory” of ever having gone near these kind of sentiments and oh, no, sir, it wasn’t me, sir, the bad boys did it, these people are going to be taken away to a place of my choosing and have their memories electronically wiped. Of everything. They will forget how to dress themselves in the mornings, and more. Then they’ll be sorry. If they can remember what “sorry” means.
And the ones who “apologise” for having been found out? Since I am Queen, I can dispatch them to a place where they will feel much more comfortable, such as Iran or North Korea.
The mad, bad, and dangerous to know ‘AsaJews’ (copyright novelist Howard Jacobson, whom I have decided to ennoble as Lord Jacobson of Prestwich) who lose no opportunity to demonstrate against Israel, are also in line for a trip.
I’m sending them, wholesale, to Sderot to see how they like having rockets fired at them at random intervals, only this time they don’t get to find a place in the shelters. No, AsAJews will just have to take their chances.
Some, of course, might survive Sderot and those who do will have the opportunity of spending time in Tel Aviv to find out what “normal” society looks like. Whisper it, but they might find Israelis are just like them – but, of course, they are afraid of finding out.
I’ve also decided, naturally enough, that none of the “antis” are going to benefit from Israeli or Jewish ingenuity in medicine, science, technology, agriculture, etc. We are frequently accused of ruling the world – but this time I mean it. See how you like them apples, antis.
I’m rather taking to this Queen lark, actually. Just call me Ma’am.