In response to Scarlett Johansson’s support of Israeli product SodaStream, BDS activists have responded by championing their own cause: blood diamonds.

“We strongly deplore the efforts of the Israeli apartheid regime to mask their racist intentions through their bogus business model of peace”, said California university student Suha Thompkins, whose real name is Britney. “We will show them what real humanitarianism looks like in Sierra Leone. Now I have to go before my cell phone dies so I can check Waze.”

Through an online fundraising campaign hosted on Wix.com, a group of BDS activists raised over $140,000 to fund the creation of a new mining cartel which is expected to provide work for over 30,000 starving African children under the age of 7. When questioned about the legitimacy of the practice, Thompkins said, “By supporting the local mining operation, we are giving hands-on vocational experience to thousands of African-Americans and supporting the economic prosperity of Sierra Leone. Unlike Israel, we are helping to build a true bridge to peace between an exploited minority and the rich, bloodthirsty warlords. I challenge Ms. Johansson to name a single positive result to come out of the SodaStream slavery operation. Not counting gainful employment for 900 Palestinian workers.”

According to rumors, the movement is in negotiations to have their own celebrity spokesperson. “I can’t say definitively, but it looks like we’ll get supermodel Bar Rafaeli,” said Thompkins excitedly. When told that Rafaeli is Israeli, Thompkins was incredulous, “She can’t be Jewish, she has blond hair!”

If the BDS campaign succeeds in shutting down SodaStream, they have already pledged to reserve mining jobs for its employees. Asked if they would bringing their boycott campaign to Sochi, Thompkins replied, “Who?”

Co-written by Yoav Fisher