“What I can give is not necessarily what you will get but along our disagreement we will find some alternative ways”- Santosh Kalwar
I am somewhat of a professional fighter… I like to think of it as a habit of reacting, sometimes too strongly, to different worldviews…
Let me explain… my husband and I are both fairly strong-willed, and think rather differently on a multitude of topics. Our backgrounds hold similar values but we grew up in totally dissimilar worlds. That means if we’re both under pressure sometimes our fights can get a little ‘loud’. Most of the time we love each other deeply, he has been my biggest fan through thick and thin for four years now.
On the weekend we went to the beach. I love going to the beach, there is something about the waves rising and falling that radiates calm. I love going to the beach less when we go with the dogs, I love my dogs very much but I am no fan of the sand they shower me with when they run around. My husband loves the beach, and he loves going to the beach with the dogs, the sand doesn’t bother him as much.
When we got to the car I was a bit snarky about the dogs coming, to which my husband answered something, to which I answered something, to which he answered something… You get the picture; pretty soon we were accusing each other of instigating the fight, each getting a little more offended, and a little more convinced on being right. When we got to the beach the fighting continued interrupted by silences that we used to come up with more reasons for why we were right, and the other wrong. After about an hour or two of each trying to have the last word, we went into the water.
He smiled at me “can I just add one last thing?” he asked me. I smiled back, before me the opportunity to stop arguing and start enjoying my weekend. A Hebrew saying my sister-in-law once mentioned popped into my head- thhi hahama al tihi zodeket (be smart don’t be right). I paused for a second; “sure” I answered him.
“With you it’s never boring, there is always the chance of fighting, but you know what I think? I think we just need to agree on a couple of things, there are a lot of things we can agree to disagree on…” he said, his eyes grinning “it makes it more interesting”.
I was floored. Here I was, fully prepared to argue my case, he had made the words stick to the tip of my tongue, with the hutzpa of a charming smile adding insult to injury.
I repeated the saying to myself and counted to five. Pointing fingers had gotten me nowhere the whole morning, needing to take a different attitude was strategically important if I wanted to enjoy my day.
“You’re right about that,” I conceded, my grumpiness shifting into a smile, “and I will admit I was a little mean about the dogs coming.”
We hugged each other, said sorry, and stood in the middle of the waves. There was a strong current that kept moving us backwards and forwards, but we stood there looking out into the horizon, not daring to say a word that would risk ruining the calm that was emerging.