I had an anxiety attack at the Dunkin’ Donuts.

I ordered a coffee … and the woman behind the counter began an interrogation more intimidating than the EL AL security I had just passed through.

Regular or decaf?

Hot or Iced?

Sugar?

Sweetner?

Whole Milk or skim?

Small, medium, large or xlarge?

The questions continued and my eyes blinked rapidly. My jet lagged brain struggled to keep up. The pressure of pre- caffeinated morning people behind me was building and I felt way out of my depth. I was scared.

Later, at the grocery store… we had to leave my brother in law behind, paralyzed in the chip aisle. So confounded with choice, we left him dazed and confused, whimpering a in fetal position.

And then came the Triscuits… at least a dozen flavors ranging from Cajun, to Cracked Pepper, Rosemary and Olive Oil and Roasted Garlic. My poor sister just wanted crackers for her son, “Can’t I just get a regular ol’ Triscut??” The answer apparently was, ‘No’.

Cheerios? Peanut Butter, Chocolate, Strawberry… sacrilege.

Here, in the land of convenience, whatever you need is served right up to you, in a bowl, box, carton, take away mug. All made of recycled paper of course. WELL OF COURSE IT IS.

Dear LORD!

You want oatmeal? Sure! We have all the flavors you don’t want, and they come in a dry mix powder, in a satchel, bowl, individual packages, economy packs, mixed packs, low sugar, organic…

You want ice cream? Coffee? ‘Meat’ in a box? Drive on through!

Supersize me!

You DONT EVEN NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR PAJAMAS MAN!

No Pants? No Problem!

Target not good enough? No worries! We’ve removed that deer and owl ridden forest to bring you Kohls, Walmart AND Kmart – all within 500 feet of one another. Because for the love of Gd, you cannot get enough cheap, medium quality clothing, jewelry, home goods, accessories or beauty products endorsed by a celebrity of mid level fame.

Back at the house, we enjoyed our high sugar, no effort purchases while watching the intriguingly titled ‘Naked and Afraid’ in which two individuals who live in this fast and convenient culture are dropped in a deserted wilderness, (from the jungles of Borneo to the Louisiana swamps) to try and outwit the dangers and predators of the untamed wilderness. For fun. They starve, get heatstroke, suffer dehydration, at times become ill from unsanitized water, risk all sorts of death and injury, because they can…and we can’t look away for long enough to grab the next doughnut.

And me? Well, I’ve stapled together a few double quilted paper towels and made myself a hammock, which I will lie in, on a Sunday.