I had a mini anxiety attack at the Dunkin’ Donuts.
I had just ordered a coffee when the woman behind the counter began an interrogation light years more intimidating than the EL AL security I had passed through days earlier.
Do you want regular or decaf?
Hot or Iced?
Whole Milk or skim?
Small, medium, large or xlarge?
The questions continued rapid fire, and my eyes blinked repetitively as my jet lagged brain struggled to keep up. I felt the pressure of the pre- caffeinated morning people corralled behind me and felt way out of my depth. I was scared.
At the grocery store, to pick up a few essentials, we had to leave my brother in law behind… paralyzed in the chip aisle. So confounded with the choice of flavors and brands, he was lost for at least 20 minutes. Dazed and confused, nearly in fetal position, he left whimpering.
And then came the Triscuits… no joke, but there were at least a dozen flavors of Triscuits ranging from Cajun, to Cracked Pepper, Rosemary and Olive Oil and Roasted Garlic. My poor sister just wanted crackers for her son and could be heard across the store, “Can’t I just get a regular ol’ Triscut??” The answer apparently was, ‘No’.
Oh and Cheerios? Now there’s Peanut Butter, Chocolate, Strawberry… sacrilege.
Here, in the land of convenience, whatever you need is served right up to you, in a bowl, box, carton, take away mug, (all made of recycled paper of course) WELL OF COURSE IT IS, if it wasn’t recycled youd’ve run out of trees during the last Sbux run! The irony of calling mass production Earth friendly seems lost on most.
You want oatmeal? Sure! We have all the flavors you don’t want, and they come in a dry mix powder, in a satchel, bowl, individual packages, economy packs, mixed packs, low sugar, organic…
You want ice cream? Coffee? ‘Meat’ in a box? Drive on through! Supersize it! You DONT EVEN NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR PAJAMAS MAN!
No Pants? No Problem!
Target not good enough? No worries! We’ve removed that pesky deer and owl ridden forest to bring you a Kohls, Walmart AND Kmart – all within 500 feet of one another. Because for the love of Gd, you cannot get enough cheap, medium quality clothing, jewelry, home goods, accessories or beauty products endorsed by a celebrity of mid level fame!
Back at the house, we enjoyed our high sugar, no effort purchases while watching the intriguingly titled ‘Naked and Afraid’ in which two individuals who live in this fast and convenient culture are dropped in a deserted wilderness, (the jungle of Borneo or the Louisiana swamps) to try and outwit the dangers and predators of the untamed wilderness. For fun. They starve, get heatstroke, suffer dehydration, at times become ill from unsanitized water, risk all sorts of death and injury, because they can…and we can’t look away for long enough to grab the next doughnut.
As for me? Well, I’ve stapled together a few double quilted paper towels and made myself a hammock, which I will lie in, on Sunday.