If, to your utter astonishment, Palestinian Arabs commit atrocious acts of terrorism against Israelis yet again, be sure to refer to this handy guide for putting a stop to their cultural penchant.

After all, if nothing else, the State of Israel should be the one place on earth where Jews are not murdered for being Jews. If Israel’s leadership cannot attain even this lowest common denominator of a standard, it’s probably time for less dramatic speech-making abroad and more decisive counterterrorism at home.

This concise listicle is not necessarily comprehensive, but is a basic primer for decision-making morons. It will instantly improve the status quo, most definitely save lives, and, best of all, even congenital imbeciles in the Israeli government can implement it.

  1. Institute Capital Punishment for Terrorists: If security forces don’t summarily dispatch the terrorist on the Allah Express for his exhausting rendezvous with virgins, then know that even a little voltage goes a long way.
  2. Illegalize the Release of Terrorists: Freed Jihadists only return to their murderous ways. They never transfer into real estate, refrigerator repair, or venture capitalism. You know it, I know it, and everyone alive knows it. Revolving doors in penitentiaries = dead Jews. Pass a new law, accordingly.
  3. End Muslim Arab Incitement against Jews: When bored cretins lacking the mental hardware to pursue a productive life are inculcated by middle-aged leaders to murder Jews, throw rocks, shoot at cars, drive into Jewish commuters, storm Jewish communities at night, and stab Jewish pedestrians, they grow up believing it’s okay to shed Jewish blood because their adult leaders said so. Forcibly shut down all Muslim Arab media outlets, mosques, and schools indoctrinating hate into their uncritical zombies.
  4. Instruct the IDF to Shoot Rock-Throwing Terrorists-in-Training: Aim for their overworked biceps to put a damper on their world-famous pitching skills (and no rubber bullets, neither).
  5. Doomsday for Terrorist Groups: The IDF should pick a single day in which to target wholesale the leaders, lieutenants, underlings, foot soldiers, financiers, suppliers, engineers, and harborers of Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad, Al-Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigades, etc. At a certain unpredictable hour o’clock, they should unleash Shock and Days of Awe to the nth degree. Done correctly, the smoke clouds should be clearly visible from outer space; the heat from the aftershocks should sear vertically-suspended shawarma meats as far off as Libya. There can be no terrorist promotions to fill the ranks when there are no longer any ranks. Uproot instead of denude; cure the disease instead of treating the illness. When morning dawns the next day, the world will be a much safer and better place, and the world will thank you (but only in their secret heart of hearts; publicly, they’ll hold signs and chant in plazas against your perfidies). Leaders of Israel, this is the Bulk Barn strategy in your terrorist take-down toolkit!

When it comes to decisively defeating terrorism, actions – not responses – are the name of the game. There is no point in having a sovereign polity unless you can live there in safety and peace of mind. There is no point to having Israel Defense Forces if their hands are inexplicably tied by overdetermined regulations and their military chiefs are interminably mired in “response” mode. The IDF is not a landscape gardening outfit; they should cease “mowing the lawn”. And they should save those periodic videos (cute, but premature) of soldiers randomly dancing for the day after the terrorists’ doomsday.

N.B. For the previous, best-selling edition of this ever-relevant memorandum, please see The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Counterterrorism, available here.