My dear sister Devora wrote a post called “Creating our own personal freedom.”
Ah yes, to be free.
As I read it, I was very surprised to find a whole paragraph dedicated to me! She wrote:
My sister Deena is an inspiring example to all of us Humanoids on knowing how to live life. She has travelled the world over, to Japan, Vancouver and back to Israel again all with the basic life goal of doing what rocks her world. Recently she quit a stable job to pursue her love of writing even further. Life isn’t dictating it’s rules to her; she is dictating her rules for living.
It touched me to read what she thought of my decisions, especially the ones of late; a couple of weeks ago I decided to quit my job, without any exact plans about what I’m doing next.
Does that make me free? Well, I suppose the good side is that I’m not taking the default path, the easier one. But still I feel that I’m a slave to my fear.
I may look somewhat free but actually I’m scared crap-less right now. My job is about to end. I have tons to finish up there, tons of job searching to do on the side, I’ve decided to try to follow one of my dreams but I’m terrified I’m never going to do it (or any of my other dreams) and meanwhile I don’t know where my next pay check is coming from.
My God. There is so much unknown in my life right now that I wake up every morning feeling physically nauseated. Today I was thinking, “Hm. You know, I think I actually could throw up if I let myself.”
Yes, those are the deep conversations I’m having with myself right now.
So yes, I’m doing it. But do I feel free? No. I don’t feel free at all. I have forced myself to make decisions I know I really need to make but I’m so scared that I feel bound by chains and weights, that I need to drag along with me, wherever I go.
And you know what? I think I actually believe that if I’m going to make these big, presumptuous decisions, the least I can do is carry around the fear (and guilt). It is these negative feelings that legitimize my supposedly reckless decisions to leave an excellent, secure job. The least I can do is feel terrified about it every single day until I’m good and secure in my new job.
But what’s with that? Why am I so down on myself? Why do I have no faith in my fate? Why am I so absolutely terrified about what is going to happen next and, maybe even more than that, how I’m going to deal with it?
I thank you Devora for mentioning me as someone who is free but I don’t actually feel like I am.
And then I think… Imagine if right now, instead of fear and nausea, I woke up feeling rejuvenated by the new prospects in my life, the world at my fingertips and all the potential laid out before me.
If I could do that, then I would feel much closer to freedom.