This has been quite an unpleasant week to say the absolute very least. I cannot change what has occurred, but if You could help me get through what we may or may not be facing, I would really appreciate it. Despite what is unequivocally a nightmare of a powder keg, and despite the fact that I chose to live in the midst of it, I beg of You these things. And for the record, I am not too proud to beg, admit my fears, or that something good has got to come from all this anger. I fear if it doesn’t, rage or anxiety will consume me. So here goes…
Please allow me to maintain a sense of humor even in the darkest of storms. No laughter means no light, and I refuse to be swallowed by the abyss of spiritual, ethical, or moral darkness.
Please disallow me from filling with hatred. It is a poison that hurts the hater far more than the hated and does nothing but keep the venom flowing. I am struggling with this one G-D because while I know that we are ALL created in Your image and that no life exists without Your intent and blessing, the fact that so many of those intentional blessings want to kill us is beyond the comprehension of even a single piece of my gray matter. That said….
Please allow me the wisdom to know when expressing my anger is a good thing. I am grateful for the compassion You have bestowed upon me as well the common sense to know that that doesn’t mean I’m someone’s door mat. Nice is good, a mitzvah, a chesed (kindness), but stupid, well stupid is not. Please help me balance the two.
Please grant me the ability to pull from what I do know. I do know that people who disrespect themselves, who hate who and what they are, feel abandoned or unheard, are the most likely to inflict their pain on others. Please remind me that everyone deserves to be heard though that doesn’t mean everyone has the right to scream and yell for what they want. And even if they do, the answer must sometimes be ‘no.’
Please help me maintain my strength when I feel I have so little left. And no, I don’t mean physical strength (though I won’t complain about defined biceps), but the strength required to get up every day, remind myself that I am Your child and that I must act with the self- respect You’ve imbued within me.
Please allow me to love my fellow Jews and ignore the irresponsible rantings of those who think they have You all figured out. We’ve got people of every stripe and shade of Jewish laying blame at someone else’s feet, perhaps because they are too scared to admit that like the rest of us, they just don’t have the answers. United we stand, divided we fall and every ounce of blame, detestation, and projected hurt bring us closer to an end we should know better than to pursue.
Please allow me to continue to be the proud, unpegable Jew I love being. I love being the mom who makes a heckuva Shabbat soup, loves Krav Maga, crocheting and Metallica. It reminds me that who I was and who I choose to be are different, yet one in the same. That being Jewish doesn’t mean I’m downtrodden, invisible, weak, or disenfranchised. And that being a Jewish woman blessed to also be a mother and wife is the greatest blessing You could have ever bestowed upon me. Please remind me that I am strong as an individual but stronger yet as part of a people. My people. Oh, and that crises of faith are absolutely no fun.
Please G-D, PLEASE, remind me that no matter what I know or I think I know, this life and this world are in Your hands and part of a great plan I haven’t been made entirely privy to. Remind me that You are bigger than not just me but the enemies who want me gone. Remind me that with You I am strong even when I’m feeling weak. Remind me that I can trust You always, even and especially when for the life of me, it feels like I can’t trust in anyone or anything.
Lastly, please let our collective, gut wrenching, soul hurting be over already. No amount of strength of any kind can last indefinitely; the last three weeks alone seem to have gone on for a small eternity. Please comfort those who are mourning as well as the souls who’ve just recently entered Your palace.
Thank you for listening G-D. I really do appreciate it.