As the New Year approaches there are a few things that I want to personally thank you for.
Life: Sure. I really don’t know what it is; what reality is, but it can be pretty cool most of the time. There is a lot that I don’t understand. That is supposed to be a mystery that is why you have a job, but it beats not having one as far as I know.
Sunsets: Don’t know if anybody ever told you this but you do great sunsets. Doesn’t matter where I am. It could be Detroit, Columbus, Ohio or a beach somewhere. A sunset is just awesome.
Apples: Yup, I love apples. I know that it may be a sore spot with you considering the whole Adam and Eve story, but you hit a home run on that one as well.
Music: Most of the music since the beginning of time. Chopin, Beethoven, Kanye West… Kanye West? Well, let’s talk about that one later.
Teenage daughters: For one moment here let’s combine music and teenage daughters … oh you didn’t think about that one now did you? We can talk about that later as well.
Hearing: The first time that you hear “Da Da” from your child is one that I will never forget. Also hearing “Get away, you are the worst Dad ever!” from your teenagers is … interesting. Can I bother you for some statistics on that? I know that you see everything; hear everything, and know everything so can I find out just where I am in the worst Dad category over the millennia?
Animals: Especially dogs. Great job with dogs. They love you no matter what. They are loyal, stand by their owners and only care about playing, eating, sleeping and you know the other thing they do primarily in back yards. We need to talk about that one detail later as well.
Sisters and brothers: These are also important so that you can measure where you stand in the world and have someone to blame when your life isn’t perfect. That is important.
Parents: Parents are the best. They are geniuses, Masters of the Universe. That is only when they are gone.
Gone: Now that is another subject that we need to talk about later.
Now, Dear God, there are a few things that we need to talk about here where you could use a little advice or work on. Don’t get offended please. I cannot stand plagues.
Life: Like I said, life can be amazing; ups and downs and downs and ups and then sideways and ups and down and then of course there’s death and disease. I know that one appreciates life more because of death and perhaps we appreciate our health when we are healthy so I kind of get that but come on now … really? Disease? Death? They both suck. Can we kind of work on those two a little bit, maybe rethink those concepts please?
Like I said I love apples but there are some things that you created that well, let’ just say they are not apples okay? Like my cooking. I can take an awesome thing that you created and make it not so awesome. Since I am made to be Godlike why don’t I have Godlike abilities to cook your beautiful creations? In short I suck.
Spiders, snakes, assorted insects. Ok I love dogs, I understand cats and the other animals like lions and tigers and bears are pretty darned cool. However: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU CREATED ANNOYING GNATS? They do nothing but annoy you! I think they have annoying genes built into them. Mosquitoes also suck, literally. I can give you a list here God but you get the point.
Hay fever: I know you need pollen to pollinate. What can be more “Godlike” than the birds and the bees? However, there are some of us; mainly ME, who are miserable during ragweed season. Can we talk about ragweed? Maybe you can go back to the drawing board on that one.
Well God, all in all you do an excellent job and your work is of course the best. I just thought that I would give you some of my thoughts here, you know, between you and me.
Oh, what’s that I hear? Thunder? Got to run. Take care God, and please ignore this missive I was just kidding!
Your friend, servant, and humble human person. Of course you know all of this.