Eithan: Hey, I’ve been reading a lot of posts lately on the Times of Israel website
Ilan: That’s great
Eithan: And I agree with a lot of them
Ilan: I was afraid of that
Eithan: Especially the ones calling for death sentences to Palestinian terrorists
Ilan: Oh, I agree
Eithan: Really? I thought a left wing communist liberal homosexual like you would never agree with that
Ilan: Hey, there are some things you just can’t argue with such as the fact that peanut butter and jelly go well together and the overwhelming success of capital punishment. I mean, various States in the US have been executing people for decades and look at America’s crime and deaths rates they are…
Eithan: Amongst the highest in the world
Ilan: Oh that’s right! I forgot! Capital punishment sucks! And it doesn’t work
Eithan: Of course it does. It is a successful deterrent. Imagine how many Americans would have died if we didn’t have capital punishment. Besides, we all know that guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Ilan: Actually I think people kill people with guns
Eithan: Child, please!
Ilan: Okay don’t do that
Ilan: Because you are a slightly overweight balding Jew from an affluent Philadelphia suburb. And you don’t know how to use it
Eithan: And you do?
Ilan: Wait for it. Besides, I don’t think the state should be able to kill people whether they are terrorists, murders or psychopaths. Once you give the state the ability to end a person’s life you enter a dangerous slippery slope. Who says the state won’t one day use that power to execute all red haired people?
Eithan: Oh! red haired Israelis are the worst
Ilan: That’s really offensive. But I agree. Besides, the State of Israel was founded on pluralistic humane values and we should cherish those values even in the face of adversary
Eithan: Yeah but we have death penalty for Nazis
Ilan: Wait. No. You can’t mention the Holocaust in a political context
Eithan: What? Why not?
Ilan: I’m not sure but once you do other bloggers write about their bowel movements and how much they hate you
Eithan: Last week, a 16 year old Palestinian repeatedly stabbed to death an IDF soldier sleeping on a bus. You don’t think that warrants a death penalty?
Ilan: Would killing him bring the IDF soldier back? No. Would it ease the pain of the soldier’s passing? No. Most importantly, would it prevent other terrorist attacks? No. The only thing it would do is make us all feel better for a day or two.
Eithan: That’s crazy!
Ilan:I find that very offensive. You know I have been battling with bi-polar disease for the past few years.
Eithan: I’m sorry…But do you really think the death penalty wouldn’t deter potential terrorists? I mean look at this 16 year old monster. He just got a one way ticket to a first class Israeli jail cell where he will spend the next few decades studying, eating and sleeping comfortably on our expense. I’m pretty sure that if he knew he would be hanged he would have thought twice before raising his knife
Ilan: Well I’m pretty sure that the past has taught us that violence doesn’t work. During the 50’s and 60’s we used retaliatory actions against Palestinians in response to terror attacks. That didn’t stop them. Then, we began assassinating leaders of terrorist movements only to realize that new leaders soon took their place and continued their attacks on Israelis. Not to mention the fact that since the beginning of the second intifada we have been bombing the sh$t out of them. And what has that achieved? Nothing. The terror continues.
Eithan: So what’s your solution? Let me guess. Give them what they want. Negotiate with them. Turn them into your “partners”. Hell, even give them guns because that worked so well in the past!
Ilan: No my friend. Give them hope. Give them something to live for that is far greater than something to die for. Let them see that we are willing to build a better future, together. You gotta give them hope
Eithan: You gotta give them hope?… Are you quoting Harvey Milk?
Ilan: Actually I’m quoting Sean Penn as Harvey Milk. There’s a difference
Eithan: Whatever. But let me ask you this. If we did have executions in Israel, would you go watch one?
Ilan: Sure. Hey, I maybe a communist man loving liberal but I enjoy reality TV as much as the next guy
Ilan: Child, Please