I have a friend named Mr. Lavoie who needs some advice. Mr. Lavoie owns a house.

This isn’t any old house. It was given by G-d to his ancestors for all eternity, and the donation was recorded in the presence of 600,000 entire families. It was later taken from them, about 2,000 years ago, and returned to his family slowly over the past 100 years. Even then, some of the backyard had yet to be returned, until his neighbors started shooting at him for no reason and he had to chase them off.

It should be added that during the time that the Lavoies didn’t have the house, it became little more than a worn down shack. Some Lavoie family members still lived on the land in a tent, and when they became bigger and started beautifying and rebuilding it, some workers came from far off Arabic lands to share in the bounty.

Anyway, last night a bunch of thugs started throwing rocks at his windows and threatened to stab him. All they want is half of his living room and then they’ll leave him alone. They told him so, in perfect Parisian French. (Their native tongue is Swahili, and in Swahili they teach their children that this is just a pretext to get in and that it’s a great and wonderful thing to chase the Lavoies out of their house and kill them in the street…. but in French they, well, speak another language….).

The problem is, Mr. Lavoie isn’t being fair either.

Mr. Lavoie has a gun. They only have rocks, Molotov cocktails and knives.

In fact, Mr. Lavoie has two guns.

Don’t you think that Mr. Lavoie should be fair and even and give his Swahili neighbors one of the guns?

And Mr. Lavoie’s unfairness doesn’t end there.

You see, Mr. Lavoie has a roof. This prevents the poor Swahili band members from being able to shoot rocks into the house. And because of Mr. Lavoie’s unfair advantage, they lose their rocks each time they throw them, all because Mr. Lavoie unfairly built a roof.

It wasn’t always like this. The Swahili neighbors were once the people with all the weapons and Mr. Lavoie’s roof had yet to be built. The band members all got together and attacked him 4 times, once in 1948, again in 1956, then in 1967 (when Mr. Lavoie finally got his backyard back while fending them off), and again in 1973. No one quite knows how Mr. Lavoie fended them off. Some people say that G-d kept His promise to the Lavoie family to defend them, but the media says that that’s just crazy talk.

But enough history. Don’t you agree that Mr. Lavoie’s actions are terribly unfair?

Well, you can do something about it.

The Swahili band members have announced that they don’t just want Mr. Lavoie’s house. They really need the whole block.

And the UN has started a fund to help them. If you’re interested in donating, please contact Richard Falk and as soon as Mr. Lavoie buys the Swahilis some stamps, which is quite honestly the least that he can do, they’ll mail you a solicitation envelop.

And if you think that I’m totally crazy for standing up to the unfair and unreasonable Mr. Lavoie, who refuses to give the Swahilis anymore guns (just because they shot at him the last time he did so – but that was 30 years ago, and again 20 years ago. Now he won’t even give them a third chance!!), call me crazy. But know that in doing so, you are deriding the defacto UN policy of the past 40 years.

Think wisely. The future of the Western World may be at stake.