Ahalan Hamas –

…and Shukran for the rockets. So many! Just for us! After the deep national trauma you caused by murdering our three boys whom you “may or may not have kidnapped,” this new gift of explosive adrenaline has really helped to get our minds off it for a while. It’s nice to know you’re there. (At least for the next few hours.)

 

Residents of the Israeli South:

I was in a Bomb Shelter with my kids twice for 10 minutes. You guys deserve medicinal marijuana.

 

Oi! FIFA –

Let’s talk timing. July seems to be a problem for Hamas and Hezbollah, who, like many of your fans, generally like to schedule their hostilities in summer. When can we discuss maybe bumping the next World Cup up to April, so everyone can enjoy?

 

Oh yeah BTW, Hamas –

There is a really nice beach where you live. All you need to do is unwrap your face, put the towel on the sand, and sit. Much better, right? Also, lose the suits. You look like you live in Bet Shemesh.

 

Hey, Fellow Bet Shemesh residents accused of murdering Mohammed Abu Khdeir

You will hopefully be in jail forever and ever, and so we will never have a chance to *not* meet on the separate bus you probably ride. Too bad, I have what to say to you.

 

President Abbas? (This is your number, right? It keeps on changing.)

As the granddaughter of two Auschwitz survivors, your views on the Holocaust and genocide fascinate me. Let’s get together to talk soon. Wait! Let’s take a trip there together. On the way back, maybe you can get the Ukrainian government to give my family back the two large estates we lost when Hitler invaded Czechoslovakia. I know you are an expert on the Right of Return / 1940’s wars.

 

People of Gaza:

It bothers me to no end that you are being told to act as human shields for the houses the IDF warns you to leave. Are you old enough to remember Seinfeld? Think of your leadership like George Costanza. Whatever they say: Do the opposite.

 

IDF,

Keep taking videos… and hire a professional copywriter. Over and out.

 

President Sisi, hi, nice to ‘meet’ you.

Thank you for your friendship. There’s an issue with your name, which is pretty close to “ISIS.” This concerns me because I anticipate issues from the Gog / Magog nutcases. Can we consider coming up with another variation on the English spelling?

 

Hi Bibi,

I know you are very busy and sorry for being shallow but I’m seeing pictures of you every day so we need to talk about your hair. It reminds everybody of the economy, borrowing from one place to cover a debt in another. Depressing. C’mon… You can totally rock a Bennett.

 

MK Amir Peretz, Shalom.

When I sat near you on an international flight last year (remember?) I told you that I had trouble seeing your face without being reminded of the series of municipal strikes you organized a decade ago, leaving me home with a pre-schooler for a month. Really, I should have thanked you VERY MUCH for Iron Dome. Seriously, it totally makes up even for the mustache. (Ask Bibi, I’m picking on everyone today re: hair.)

 

Oh – yeah – Hamas, one more thing:

That is sure a lot of effort you’re putting in during a fast! Relax. Clearly, you have not read the Pew Study. If you really want to get rid of the Jews, all you have to do is be super nice to them… and simply wait.