El Al made the news recently after the disruption of one of their flights by some Haredi passengers who caused flight delays during the seating process. The Times of Israel has managed to obtain a copy of El Al’s most recent customer service policy.
El Al is committed to ensuring that your air travel experience will be the most Israeli experience possible. Our commitment and responsibilities are as follows:
El Al will continue to provide the highest fare possible to our customers. If a higher fare is found with another airline, we will match it, no questions asked.
EL AL offers its frequent flyers special benefits via our Matmid Club. For every 18 miles flown, you will earn one point usable with El Al or with one of our code-share partners Malaysian Air, Oceanic Airlines, and Egged. Entrance to the Matmid Club is possible for the low fee of $125 or $325 for two. Points are redeemable for up to 3 hours after landing.
Customer Satisfaction/Religious Tolerance
As Israel’s national airline, we strive to do our very best to serve every extremist on our flight. (Except the Muslim ones who are not allowed to board.) We will accommodate all of our passengers’ seating requests provided they are made five minutes before takeoff in a petulant, harassing manner which cause flight delays and penalize those who only want to get home as quickly as possible. El Al is committed to the comfort and satisfaction of all of our customers, except those with a vagina.
To make your flight more enjoyable, El Al is pleased to announce our new upgraded entertainment system with movies screened on a brand new white sheet which hangs from the ceiling. Our unrivaled selection of new movies include “The Sound of Music”, “The Wizard of Oz”, and “9½ Weeks (subtitles available). For our valued first-class passengers, we will be showing the full documentary Shoah (director’s cut) in the original French.
“Bumped” Passengers in the Case of an Oversold Flight
Because passengers with confirmed reservations on a flight frequently fail to show, we are permitted by federal regulations to sell more tickets for travel than there are seats on the aircraft to reduce the number of empty seats on our flights. In these situations we offer our “bumped” passengers the opportunity to purchase a new ticket, at full fare, on any one of our competing airlines, providing it is to a different destination.
We welcome our customers’ feedback. Any complaints can be submitted in writing into the cracks of the Kotel.
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Co-written by Yoav Fisher.