Fashion Felonies

I have often been told that I am overdressed. Which proves to me that the people telling me that aren’t visually impaired, because yes, I am often overdressed.

Well, to others I am overdressed. To me, I call it Tuesday.

I have also been told I have a rather large and strange imagination.

So we can conclude from this that my reason for overdressing is because I think I am going to run into Anna Wintour who will throw a job at Vogue right at me.

Ok, I will keep dreaming.

Well until that day comes, I will list a few fashion felonies that far too many people are victim to. And I think it is safe to say everyone has been insulted by at least one of these. If you are going to read any further you need to get rid of the excuse of “but it’s so comfortable” or “you don’t understand.” I am human, so I do understand but frankly you are judged based on what you wear. Love it or hate it, that’s the truth.

So at the risk of being hated I will take one for the team. Here goes…

1)   Wife beaters are gross. There is a reason they are called wife beaters, and there is a reason I wore them only during my Middle School years.

By wearing a wife beater you are saying that you support men beating their wives because you wear what they wear. It’s like if I were to wear a keffiyah on my head, that would mean that either I am a suicide bomber, I support suicide bombers or I am a wannabe and/or confused hipster. All of which are inexcusable. Solution- buy a normal white tank top. Tada problem solved.

2) People also have this tendency to wear ripped clothes. At the risk of sounding like a middle-aged woman, I don’t understand why someone would pay money for something that is ripped.

Would you spend $300 on a broken iPhone? No.

So why spend who knows how much money on a pair of essentially broken jeans or a shirt? It looks like you had to run out of the dressmakers before she could finish tailoring your clothes.

God gave me the gift of honesty so I’ll use it- you look like a mess. I promise everyone was thinking it and no one wanted to say it.

3) If you are going to wear a shirt with writing please take the following precautions before going out in it:

a) Do you understand what it means? If you don’t you probably shouldn’t wear it.

b) Is this the message you wish to convey? Because if it is, then no, I won’t eff off. I don’t want to go home with you. I don’t want to give you money. I don’t want to do drugs with you.

c) If you understand what the shirt means and will knowingly go out wearing a PG-13 shirt that could possibly get you arrested, just do a quick spell check. There are too many times people walk out in shirts where everything is spelt purposely wrong.

Ah ha, I see the light bulbs going off. Yes, that is why you bought it for $5 in an outlet store.

4) I am saying this as a total outsider so forgive me if easier said then done, but I don’t think that is the case. If you are going to wear a strapless or sleeveless shirt/dress please buy yourself a strapless bra. It is so tacky to have your straps sticking out.

You could be wearing straight off the runway Marc Jacobs, but if your straps are sticking out you really cheapen the look of the dress. Sorry for coming off so hard, but if that’s what I need to do to be the bearer of truth then for the sake of a better tomorrow I will do it.

5) Let’s define our terms shall we?

According to the Webster’s Dictionary pajamas mean “a lightweight suite designed for sleeping or lounging.”

Is there a bed or a couch in your classrooms, or your mall, or your gym, or your car, or your supermarket or your…? No! So why do way too many people go out in their polka dot pajama pants and matching tank top? Or their sweatpants and some t-shirt that you got when you graduated high school? We will just make this the eighth wonder of the world.

No one, except for my family and my roommates know what my pajamas look like and unless someone is planning on hosting a pajama only party no one will ever know, because pajamas are “a lightweight suite designed for sleeping or lounging.”

6) One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone is wearing a beautiful outfit. Perfect head until ankles. Her hair is miraculously not frizzing up in this ridiculous humidity. She is wearing the perfect summery dress. The right sunglasses. All is great. Practically Olivia Palermo worthy, which is a big deal.

At this point I am thinking, “well shoes really make an outfit so she must be wearing something rocking.” I look down. And what do I see? Flip-flops. I mean really? You can’t put in some more effort? You did your hair, your makeup, the perfect outfit and you choose to use flip-flops as your statement shoe? It just doesn’t work like that.

If you are going to look good then go all the way. Don’t go 95% of the way. It’s just not fair to anyone.


It goes without saying that there is more to a person then what he/she wears. Beauty and confidence come from the inside and overshadow outside appearances. However, at the end of the day whether you like it or not, first impressions and judgments are based on what you wear. There is a reason that there are different rules for what to wear for an interview, to work, on a date, or during the weekend.

If you want to be taken seriously or be listened to, it is imperative to dress the part.

What you wear matters primarily because you matter. And because showing random people your bra strap is inappropriate.

About the Author
Lottie Kestenbaum was born to British parents and grew up in New Jersey. To add to the identity crisis, Lottie made aliyah in August 2012. Hello tri-citizenship! She is currently studying Jewish History and English Literature at Bar Ilan University. Lottie shares more of her aliyah adventures & ongoing thoughts on her blog, Newest Sabra on the Block.
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