It’s not an easy task finding the perfect man. Being so close to perfection myself, it means that the problem is almost always him — not me.
This is why in order to seek out perfection in a single man you need to be living in the fairy tale that many women are force-fed through bedtime stories and fantasies about romance and happy endings. Once you get past these illusions you are either happily married, having accepted your fate; single, wondering why men keep driving you crazy; or in an unhappy relationship where each side is trying to change the other to no avail.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I am not the president of the man hater’s club. Au contraire: I run the men lover’s club. And I have exclusive rights to all promotional events relating to the male genus. This seems to place me in a unique position when it comes to dating, much different from most women in my age group and social class. I have already been married, had children and am now independently alone. I don’t need a man to supply me with social standing because I have created whatever semblance of social structure I seek for myself. I don’t need a man for financial stability, even though having extra money would definitely help, since I work hard and rely on child support too. And regarding marriage, I really only see it as being a useful institution for people who want security or to raise children together.
I once heard someone say the following:
I am looking for the perfect man to provide me with a physical relationship, emotional support and intellectual stimulation, and finally, after all this time, I have found all three of them.
I laughed and laughed when I heard this joke, because I realized how true it really is. I have heard women talk about how kind and loving their man is, but when they need an intellectual address or someone to bounce ideas off of, there is no one at home upstairs. When they are looking for a physical relationship and can’t get it from the man who just helped them understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, then that’s where the physical man comes in. The man who offers support, friendship, a good time, or just a shoulder to lean on — well, they don’t always come in the same package.
Now, I have noticed that the women who are looking to marry the first time around are very intent on finding that all-inclusive package in a man. After all, this is the person they want to start a family with and spend the “rest of their lives” with. If he can’t listen when they speak, or if he has a temper or alcohol issues, then of course that won’t work. This becomes more difficult for people as they age and spend more time alone, since their character becomes much stronger — for better or worse. What was OK and tolerable in their 20s is no longer so in their 30s or 40s. They are less tolerant of crap, more sure of who they are what they want, and much more idiosyncratic than when they were younger.
The task of finding the perfect man becomes difficult and tedious, often leading to feelings of lack of self-confidence and overall despair. This is why the idea of finding the perfect “men” is so surprisingly simple and brilliant. I would consider myself lucky to be able to have a relationship with a man who is kind and caring and yet to know that I don’t need to turn to him for all of my personal and emotional needs. I know his limits, just as he knows mine, and there is a clear understanding that “it is what it is.”
There are wonderful men out there, just as there are women, who have been fed the fairytale reality for so long that they are not sure anymore where their lives start and Cinderella’s ends. Being aware of your own situation and personal limitations means that you can connect freely to the people who make you feel good and know that, as long as it’s good for you then you make the most of it, and when the good ends… well, you head for the door.
I have been asked many times if I want to get married again. Marriage as an independent entity does not exist. If I decide today that I want to get married, does that mean that tomorrow I will be able to? No. The point is this: Do I want to be loved? Yes. Do I want to love someone in return? Yes. If that eventually leads to the possibility of marriage would I be open to that? Maybe. Do I want to be happy? Yes. Am I happy? Yes…. most of the time. And that’s a true blessing.