The recent trend that has swept the nation has left nary a dry eye or body in the room. To that end, we have interviewed one of the few remaining people in the world who have not dumped a bucket of water on his head to raise awareness of ALS.

So, you didn’t dump a bucket of ice water on your head, even though your sister nominated you to do so?

Indeed, I did not.

Why? Don’t you care about Lou Gehrig’s disease?

I do. Deeply. In fact, now that it has been called to my attention, I think I might make a donation to the cause anyway. Sans ice water.

But I also care about not succumbing to idiotic trends. This one has been taken to new heights, I may add.

Some would say you are being a contrarian

Yes, some would say that. Others would say that I have a life. Frankly, the main reason I’m not doing it is because I just don’t care.

So why did you publish this picture to your Facebook page?

Let me clarify. I don’t care about being challenged to take the ice bucket challenge, and I don’t care what people think about me if I don’t. What I do care about is the fact that everyone else is taking something like this so seriously.

What do you mean by that?

What I mean is that most people seem incapable of helping an old lady cross the street, keep their face out of Facebook for 30 seconds, or go to bed on time. But suddenly, when they are asked to pour a freaking bucket of ice water on their head, the response is overwhelming.

What about the fact that this venture raised so much money? Doesn’t that make it a smart move?

I think it’s a genius move on the part of the organizers, and I think you should use any moral means that works to raise money for your cause.

What I am critical of is of the fact that this is a means that works. I am criticizing the participants who are taking this so seriously. Why are you succumbing to gimmicks? Can’t you do the right thing without all the attention or having a pie slapped into your face? This is a great idea for a follow-up campaign, by the way. You can thank me later.

How come the #bringbackourgirls campaign to free the 200+ kidnapped Nigerian girls didn’t get this kind of celebrity coverage? Is it the presence of a bucket of ice water that makes something worth fighting for?

Let’s get real here. Most people don’t know what ALS stands for, and are dumping water on their head for the sake of having dumped water on their head. They know it’s going to a good cause; they are just not sure what that cause is. The cause is arbitrary, they’d be doing it with the same frozen fervor if it was a campaign to save some hamsters.

What does it feel like to be one of the only thinking people left in the world?

It’s lonely at the top.

What is your forecast for 2015?

Frankly, the quirkiness of what I’ll call the internet society is beyond my ability to project in advance. Just when I think we’ve hit rock bottom, someone invents Twerking, or Gangam style, or that fox dialogue thing. I’m sure Nicki Minaj has something fun brewing up her large, voluptuous…

Ok, ok, you don’t need to go there…

I was gonna say sleeve.

The situation seems pretty dire. Do you see anything positive in this bleak, bleak situation?

I do see a glimmer of hope in all of this. I see within people the ability to endure great discomfort in some capacity or another. And once you can endure discomfort in one setting, you can endure it in another one, even if you odn’t get quite as many likes and laughs for it.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to do some good even without discomfort as well. So next time you feel the urge to dump a bucket of ice on your head and give $10 to charity… just give $10 to charity.

Thank you for your time, you’ve been really insightful

You’re more than welcome. Any time you don’t need an ice bucket dumped on you, you know where to turn.