It goes without saying that you have to be old. You used your seat belt and you declined invitations to go sky diving and finally, or as close to final as you can get, you are living in a retirement home. You are around the 80 mark, an easy goal in these days of longevity. Your age is directly related to number of pills you pop per day. All this means that you fulfill the first part of the “Old Master” requirement.

Next, you have to paint. In your retirement home there is an art center. Go there and paint. It can be in any medium you prefer – water, oil or acrylic. You don’t have to have an art degree, in fact you needn’t have painted at all. You must be able to unscrew the lid of the bottle or tube of paint and squeeze some onto a brush. That’s it! You’re almost there. Go ahead and paint. Anything you like.

It doesn’t have to be arty or good; it just has to be a painting, a modern painting, that is. It will be better if it is recognizable as a vase of flowers or a landscape with lots of trees, but it’s not that important. Use nice thick brushstrokes and make sure you get the sky at the top and the earth at the bottom. Paint a few of these paintings on large canvases, and have them framed as cheaply as you can.

Now hold an exhibition and put high prices on your works. Like the other old master, Vincent van Gogh, you won’t sell any, but you can hang them up and be an instant Old Master.