The European Commission in Brussels, in coordination with the French Gendarmerie, headed by inspector J. Clouseau, issued the following directives to all EU members:

  1. All Edit Piaf songs should be banned from playing on French radio. Her radical voice triggers anxiety and generates extreme reaction among young observant men.
  2. Eating croissants is considered an act of aggression and disrespect. All croissant shapes should be changed to something less intimidating.
  3. The media should avoid writing any religious affiliation. From now on the politically correct way to describe backgrounds should be: ‘spiritually impaired’ or ‘Non Prophet’.
  4. Scandinavian countries will lead the fight against terrorism. They know everything and understand this world best.
  5. French grammar will be restricted to one vowel per word. The need to learn this difficult language kills the hope of young men who wish to impress Scandinavian women and leads to frustration.
  6. Portuguese and Spanish oranges should be boycotted. They are grown in Israel.
  7. Piglet will be erased from all Winnie-the-Pooh books and films.
  8. 10,000 translators will be dispersed in European streets in order to explain British humor and reassure that it is not a secret conspiracy to create joy and happiness… God forbid.