Waiting. According to the dictionary, this word means the act of staying inactive or stationary.

I never use the word “waiting” while sitting patiently for a bus, standing still while other people don’t move over and block my way, or staring at the computer screen all day while waiting for my internet to finally work. I use the word “waiting” while waiting for a text.

A “texty text,” as Ted from “How I Met Your Mother” refers to them, can leave you helplessly pacing for minutes, hours, and most of the time even days. Now, I have heard of the rule that if you like someone you don’t just answer their texts straight away. But, to be blunt, everyone knows that rule, so way to be obvious. I also know the whole phobia of “I don’t want him to think I just wait by my phone all day waiting for his text.” And I’ve most definitely heard of “Let me be annoying and keep him/her in suspense… ha. ha. ha.” These are universal phenomenons that must be broken. If I take 5 seconds out of my day to text someone, I expect an answer.

 

12:04 pm- “Hey want to go out for lunch?”- Ok, now if you don’t answer not only do you lose out on an excellent lunch date, but you lose out on lunch. This is when not answering a text becomes selfish. You are the cause of my starvation. Now the texter knows that if he/she goes out to lunch the moment he/she buys lunch the “textee” will respond saying “OMG I AM SO HUNGRY, LET’S GO NOWWW.” And if the texter doesn’t go out to lunch he/she will just have a little musical coming out of his/her stomach. This is a very big decision- when you have to choose between two loves, your friend vs food…

 

10:12 am- ” Guess what?” Now this can mean so much. “Guess what… I saw you.” “Guess what… I just bought a new beret.” Or “Guess what… I’m pregnant… with your baby.” By avoiding an answer to this specific text, you are not only causing the texter to have a panic attack or begin to worry that her baby will not have a father in its life, you are showing where your priorities are. Clearly your life is more important than the fact that I just bought a new beret so next time I go shopping and I want you to come, I won’t invite you because you just don’t care. See, not answering texts can also be the number one cause of losing friends.

 

5:46 pm- “What time should I come over tonight?” All I am asking for is a number. How difficult is that? Now, by not responding to this not only will I not see you tonight but you, the “textee”, are saying I don’t want to see you tonight. Maybe, I was relying on you to make dinner for me, or maybe I was going to sleep over at your house and by you not answering I am homeless. While I am holding a cardboard sign sitting on the street I will make sure it says “Give me a place to sleep tonight. I am homeless because the “textee” never answered me.” I hope you have a terrible night in your Tempur-pedic bed.

 

Now let me explain the process of waiting. You send a little “texty text”, and check your phone every five minutes. After about two hours, every sound you hear turns into a vibrate and as if it’s a reflex, your hand immediately reaches into your bag to pull out your phone, but G-d forbid should this awful person answer you. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you just can’t get by while waiting for this text. You then start convincing yourself that you are the reason your text isn’t being answered. You are the bad texter, oh or maybe the “textee” can’t read, or maybe you should have proofread. Your 6th grade teacher was always right when she yelled at you to proofread. Or maybe this now notorious “textee” died. While you are talking to your psychologist about the possible death of this “textee” you get a text! “Ya. Let’s do lunch.” Or “Awww, but guess what I have to tell you.” or “Come at 7pm and don’t worry your bed is ready and waiting for you.”

The world can now continue.