American Free-Base News Service
“A Free Base for a Free People”
WASHINGTON, D. C.
03 May 2015
At a hastily scheduled press conference in the Pentagon’s ultra-prestigious F Ring, the chief of staff of the United States Navy, Fleet Vice Admiral Bradford R. “Big Stiff” Mostiff, announced details of the just-concluded U.S.-Israeli Maritime Engagement, Co-operation and Co-ordination Agreement, known by its IA (Inevitable Acronym) as MECCA.
“This ground-breaking oceanic agreement,” said Admiral Mostiff, “is historic because it takes Israeli-American joint efforts to a new level of Amity, Confidence and Excellence. In short, this is an ACE effort.
“MECCA’s an ACE,” he concluded.
According to Admiral Mostiff, MECCA originated in the realization that the United States Navy was now totally overcommitted globally.
“It was an ‘eggs and chickens’ situation,” said Mostiff. “The egg that broke the chicken’s back was the new requirement to escort civilian vessels to and from Gumbah, Afghanistan’s major deep-water port. Certain American ships, especially. We used to fly planeloads of hundred dollar bills into Bagram to keep the local warlords feeling all warm & fuzzy about us, but the price of warm & fuzzy keeps going up and now we require the heavier lift capabilities provided by ships. We certainly wouldn’t want all those Benjamins falling into the wrong hands, now. Would we?
“So we cut a deal with the Israelis. We would take three old George Armstrong Custer-class Aegis frigates, refit them for Arctic operations, then give them to Israel at no charge. The refit will be easy, since none is required; by the time the work is done, the Arctic will be ice-free. Cost-overruns shouldn’t exceed two or three hundred percent.
“The ships will be renamed the Schmegeggie, the Schlemiel and the Schlepper. All three of these icebreakers have names, you will note, beginning with the letters Sch. This will enable us to keep track of them after the Israelis take delivery and then refuse to tell us what they’re really doing with them. Precisely how that’s done is classified. But I can tell you that we now have spy satellites designed to identify certain combinations of letters whenever they see them.
“Unfortunately,” he concluded, “the damn things only work with English and since the termination of the Space Shuttle program, we’ve had no way of getting additional dictionaries up there. But let’s just keep that on close-hold for now. OK?”
Asked why Israel was chosen to patrol the waters between the United States and the Russian Far East, Mostiff replied, “History. According to Jewish lore, the Ten Lost Tribes aren’t lost at all. They fled to central Asia, where they became known as Khazars. After the Khazars, who probably never existed, disappeared, the Tribes moved eastward across Asia until they crossed over into North America and became the Eskimos, the Aleuts, the Inuit, the Comanche, the Cherokee, the Sioux, and ultimately the Washington Redskins.
“Therefore, it’s only logical to have Israel patrolling up there. After all, it was originally Jewish land, and if they want to start settling Siberia and maybe rename Vladivostok, Kfar Netanyahu, fine by us. It’ll irritate Mr. Putin no end.”
Asked whether this reasoning does not logically imply that North America is also Jewish land, Admiral Mostiff retorted, “We only consider things logical when they work in our favor.”
Admiral Mostiff went on to emphasize the benefits to Israel, beyond merely reclaiming old real estate. Minerals. Oil. Falafel franchises. And most of all, water.
“Israel can always use more water,” he asserted. “Plenty up there. They can take it back with them.” Asked to elaborate on how that might be accomplished, Mostiff replied,
“In buckets and tubs.”
Admiral Mostiff then explained the reason for calling this conference so hastily. A pesky little on-line American paper with isolationist-libertarian, not to say antediluvian, leanings, the Santa Frittata Expletive-Dispatch, was about to break the story, along with commentary on the inexcusable evils of Israel making innocent victims of those who keep trying to kill them.
Concluded Admiral Mostiff:
“We also decided that playing up this story would detract attention from today’s other announcement. We’re going to build yet another aircraft carrier. It will be far more expensive than the last one, will carry preposterously over-priced aircraft, and will be deployed and employed according to that time-honored principle, ‘If it’s too expensive to lose, it’s too expensive to use.’ The carrier will be named the USS Clinton.”
Asked whether the name referred to former President Bill Clinton or future President Hillary Clinton, Admiral Mostiff replied,
Back next week.