I believe in God, he gets a capital G but a small o. I work for a company that’s not hi tech but wants to be and just under a third of my salary I never see. I don’t eat pork but a hamburger without cheese isn’t a hamburger at all and a fast day that doesn’t start with Yom and end in Kippur isn’t a fast day at all.

I went to Hebrew classes till I was 13 and hated it, I went to a Jewish youth movement till I was 18 and loved it. God doesn’t care what I had for breakfast, he cares if I kill you, he cares if I make your life worse and he cares if I’m happy, though not very much. I am a Jew but I don’t know what that is.

I am shameless in my need for attention and an expert in getting it I write what some love and others loathe I am a shameful self publicist and as a rule I do not read talkbacks though I probably should. I am a man of God and therefore aspire to politics. I am not God, though I may well be his prophet.

God loves the Jews though they piss him off a lot and don’t really know what he wants or thinks or feels or likes. God created us in his image not to spend our days worshipping him. I worship God through my deeds I do not pray, praying with words to show devotion to God is the cheap way out. I have heard of Rashi though I don’t know him. The Messiah is not coming, not even phoning, though when he does come he’ll know who I am. More than the IDF, it is Torah study that protects us, NO it is not!

I don’t want to just work at my job and live my life and be happy, I want to achieve and create and leave behind a legacy, there is an afterlife, I am in no rush to see it. I don’t like going to shul but my grandpa does and I love going with him. The rabbi doesn’t like me because I talk all through the service though he loves to tell the story of the kid who whistled on the bimma as he had no other way to show his love for God, without the slightest hint of irony. I have other ways to show my love for God, my God with the capital G and the small o.

I studied Talmud once and loved it, I never met a left wing religious person and ran away from Talmud altogether. I met Elie Wiesel once though he doesn’t remember, he told me so, he doesn’t remember that either.

London’s no good for the Jews, New York’s no good for the Jews, South Africa’s no good for the Jews, Israel’s no good for the Jews though things are better than they were the media still has a lot to learn. Jews may have given the world the atom bomb, communism, relativity, gravity (well not gravity), Hollywood, Las Vegas, online gambling, Google but we also gave them their God and then they accused us of killing him.

We only gave the world these things when we stepped out of the ghetto.

The ghetto is no good for the Jews, we gave the world Spinoza and Nostradamus and Disraeli as well as the Miliband’s though none of them really cared where they came from and they certainly never wore a Magen David in public.

Jews may not have given the world Corn Beef and rye but we sure know what to do with them and don’t get me started on pickles. The Jews did not give the world music or film though we have given the world loads of music and films including the very first spoken words in pictures. We gave the world Walter Matthau and the Son of Sam (we only take credit for the former).

I am weak on my own and strong when wearing a uniform, I am the victim of bullies and the creator of victims and the one who calls for compassion. I write here there and everywhere but no one listens. I want to settle down but the thought of a serious relationship scares the hell out of me and anyway I’m too young/old/ugly/handsome to settle down yet and more to the point I haven’t even started doing anything with my life yet.

I am not writing a book, I have written a third of a book. I have published 3 short stories though you’ve never read them. I have seen fighting though never a war, I have seen blood though never shed any. I am guilty and I am innocent, I am a fool who is too clever by half, or perhaps even more. I can’t find my way out of a paper bag, don’t dare put me in an elevatorI found my way here, where am I?

I don’t know where I am but I know where I am going and what I left behind. Where am I going? The people I hate I don’t know, the people I love don’t exist, I have not read Freakonomics! I have read Metamorphosis, The Trial was better, the author my king. I won’t take your word for anything, though I’ll wait to see what you do before doing anything myself.

Woody Allen has nothing on me, though I have nothing on him either. My Big Fat Greek Wedding was good by why not a Big Fat Jewish one? I don’t like bagels but I love that everyone else does. I did not give the world Facebook but one of my tribe did. The greatest insult my enemies laid at my door was that I am part of a secret sect that rules the world…cool!

I am in a war that will never end…with myself and my mother.

I am Jew-ish.