I’m feeling like my extremist personality is cropping up this week.
Following the Rosh Hashana triple header, I dreaded returning to work. Don’t get me wrong, I’m satisfied at work and enjoy the company of the people I’m with. It was just that I was coming off of 4 days at home with my kids, and I loved it. I had a great time raising them and getting to know them better.
Now emotionally and financially, I don’t think I’m at a place where I can be full-time Mommy, nor do I want to be. But sometimes, the more I fight it, the more I feel like the choice to be at home makes sense. All I know is that back on last Saturday night, I went to sleep with tears in my eyes, hoping that one day I could look forward to getting up on Sunday morning.
The next day, I walked home with my little one, and realized how much he had grown, especially since beginning his new Gan. My kids are doing alright, even thriving, without me around all day-despite the lice, step, and numerous ear infections. The truth is, the way our life is working out (this year, for now), the work/gan combo works well, and I even get to walk away with some dough at the end of the day.
Then, we have the Yom Kippur dilemma. My job is no longer to make sure I can sit through Davening. I’ve learned that it’s that I don’t fall asleep too many times while watching my kids and lose my mind without coffee and food. Do I bother investing in time for prayer or take care of the minimum to make it through the day? If I don’t have my kids around for a few hours, am I back to prioritizing prayer, or can I just chill for a while? What about when my kids are older? Will I lose the interest and discipline I once had to concentrate on asking G-d for a good, new year for myself and my family?
Finally, with the new Gan schedule, and the exhausting day my children have, I need to get them settled earlier. That works out to just around the time Aba comes home. So I get to play either the exhausted mom, who yells (less, now) , but gets her kids to sleep on time or the irresponsible mom who lets them sleep less, but have a relationship with their dad outside of weekends and holidays.
I know all these answers boil down to rationale thought, a little bit of planning, or more importantly, my gut feel. I realize that life constantly asks for adjustment to changes, and although it took a while, I am learning to sort it out.
I’m always wondering when and where the maturity is supposed to hit. At what point do I stop making careless mistakes, like forgetting to move the decimal point when doing a math problem. I am nearing 30, have 2 kids and a mortgage. When will I stop feeling the need to stay up late on weekends and listen to bad 90s music? I don’t know if that day will ever come, or if even if I would like to meet myself if it does. I just know that I want to be able to recognize myself in the next decade.
“Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still I’m still Jenny from the block. I used to have a little, now I have a lot. No matter where I go, I know where I came from”