I am now convinced after watching all the news reports, reading all the papers, and observing the conflict in Gaza, that Khaled Mashal is actually a great guy – just… a little misunderstood.  You see, in an interview he recently gave to a Yahoo news reporter he mentioned a few points he wanted to emphasise.

Firstly, he rejected any comparison between Hamas and ISIS.  “We are not a religious, violent group,” he said.  I was unaware of that, but I did confirm it with a member of the Committee for the Propagation of Virtual and Prevention of Vice, or Hamas religious police, who confirmed they weren’t religious.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t finish that interview as there was a report of a woman dressed immodestly at the beach, and he had to lead a tactical SWAT team to the area.  As to whether they were a violent group, I interviewed 18 men, accused of collaborating with Israel, and they admitted Hamas were not a violent group.  They also admitted to killing John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jnr and Abraham Lincoln.  I tried to do a follow up interview the next day, but… well… they were nowhere to be found.

Khaled Mashal also stated quite emphatically that Hamas does not target civilians, and that they only aim at military targets and Israeli bases.  Then, in what was a remarkable emotional moment in television, and I swear I saw a tear in his eye, he said that they don’t have sophisticated weapons… so… aiming is… difficult!  But, he bravely continued, wiping away a tear, and staring directly into the camera with bloodshot eyes, “We will try in the future to warn people.”  Hey – all a guy can do is try, right?  Then he promised, wagging his finger, “If we get more precise weapons, we will only target military targets.”  He then seemed to tear up again, and I’m pretty sure I noticed a wrapper from a Swiss Delafee chocolate bar on the table beside him.  At $508 a pound, I’d also be crying!  Nevertheless it is clear that we have all misjudged him, and he’s really more like a friendly, jolly uncle kind of figure – in fact from now on we can call him Uncle Kal!

His view is that all they are doing is a legitimate response of resistance.  So all these rockets they fire are just a normal response to Israeli aggression, you know like if you bump into someone accidentally in the street, or both go for the same car park space, it’s perfectly normal to respond with 15000 rockets.  But I want you to know that Uncle Kal is no coward and is bravely prepared to sacrifice other peoples’ children’s for his goals.

It also really seems his message has gotten through – Spain and Britain are now reviewing arms sales and exports to Israel, although luckily British arms support will continue to Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Pakistan, Libya, Somalia, Zimbabwe…

Anyway, I really felt my heart lift for the guy after he clarified so much! So to all those people who criticise Uncle Kal, I want you all to give him a break already!  It’s not easy running a war from a 5 star hotel in Qatar.  The food is not as great as they said it would be.  Those carrots they serve are never cut in equal sizes, and sometimes the steak is served medium when we all know that medium rare is the way to go!  And I don’t even want to start about the pees…