Who will I be kissing at midnight?
I definitely will NOT be kissing the guy I had a date with this past week who seemed so into me and then disappeared off the face of this earth.
Not because I wouldn’t kiss him.
Simply because anyone who is really attracted to me and interested in dating me is obviously an alien from another planet and has been called back home urgently due to an intergalactic emergency.
Which leaves me with the need to settle for the only other viable options for getting kissed that I have left in my hands to consider.
Kiss Option #1: A Russian
I’m leaning towards the older Russian guard at my work who is there in his little guard’s booth come rain, snow sleet or bad weather….(the postman ain’t got nothing on this fella).
Pros: He never complains about the cold or the heat, never misses a day and is desperately in need of a kiss
Cons: He never smiles and loves to suffer.
Kiss Option #2: A troll
I could kiss one of the trolls that have left rude and offensives messages for me on one of my controversial, I-don’t-care-if-you-love-me, posts (yes, I admit it, I still keep going back to look at the new comments left there). After all, there is this part of me that is masochistic not to mention the part of me which truly believes that if only he knew me he would love me and delete all of his nastiness.
Pros: Once he sees what a good kisser I am, there is no way he would continue to comment in that repugnant manner on my amazing blog post.
Cons: I definitely would not be able to kiss well if I kept thinking about his gruesome comments. You kiss your mama with that mouth??
Kiss Option #3: Random passerby
What if I just kiss whomever is near to me at that moment when the clock strikes (do clocks even strike anymore?) midnight?
Pros: Alleviates the need for decision making and planning ahead.
Cons: If I decide to go this route am I committed? What if the person near to me at that moment is some sleaze ball or drunken dude simply because right then I needed to go to the bathroom or get a breath of fresh air?
Kiss Option #4: An ex boyfriend
It’s definitely an option, not a good one mind you, but it’s out there. Because I happen to know that most guys I have dated are still single (not that I am happy about that mwahahahaha) which is mostly because either they are way too picky, big losers or simply because the curse I put on their house is overly effective.
Pros: I already know which ones are good kissers and they know that just because we kiss doesn’t mean that it is going any further than this. Been there. Done that.
Cons: I am very against double dipping in the dating pool. If you broke up it was for a reason and although that kiss may mean nothing to you, it could definitely be sending the wrong signal to your ex-y-pie.
Which leaves me with the option I have been really vying for all along:
Kiss Option #5: My baby
Well, he’s not really a baby, he’s almost 5, but he’s MY baby and every night without fail, I hear the door to my room open and in he saunters, oh so quietly, climbs up into the left side of my huge queen sized bed and snuggles up right against the curve of my back. His feet are cold from walking over across the tile floor, but they soon warm up next to mine as he finishes off his night’s sleep next to me.
Pros: He is my baby. I love to kiss him, I am already committed to him for life, so no misunderstandings there. He has great night breath. He can get away with things like patting my breasts and asking why I am so fat there (as if anyone else would try something like that and live) but he is oh so loveable so I don’t mind.
Cons: The kiss will probably wake him up which means he will keep asking me for a new kiddie tattoo, a drink of water and to play a game on my phone until I finally acquiesce. It also means I need to be home by midnight.
So while I ponder this hugely important query, I want to know:
Who do you plan on kissing at midnight?
(Disclaimer – none of my exes can read so please do not divulge contents of this blog post.)