Owen Smith MP (standing for the Labour leadership) today said: “At some point we need to get ISIS around the table”.

By coincidence, this morning a letter from Mr Smith to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi (ISIS leader) has fallen into our hands.

Dear Mr al-Baghdadi

If I win the leadership, the Labour Party would like to open a dialogue with your movement.

Here are the things we might discuss in a preliminary meeting.

1. We are in a bit of a pickle as regards security for the annual Labour Conference. Our usual supplier G4S is not considered kosher because they operate in Israel. Would your movement be prepared to step in to fill the breach? We would be most grateful. In return we would be pleased to offer you and Mrs al-Baghradi two free places at the Conference (we appreciate there may be more than one Mrs Al-Baghradi so please feel free to rotate the second ticket).

2. Our marketing department feels that your marketing strategy could be even better. Maybe you could consider for example cleaning up the blood stains on the street when you behead people.

3. Please will you consider sign our pledges to renationalise the UK rail industry and to keep private companies out of the NHS.

4. Please will ISIS also consider endorsing the Chakrabarti Report and including in its Mission Statement something about deploring all racial prejudice including antisemitism and Islamophobia. And discrimination against LGBT people.

5. If ISIS bombs a city in the UK please can they avoid Liverpool on 25-28 September when the Labour Party Conference takes place. If you are providing security for the Conference one might presume it would be safe – but with ISIS one never knows, does one.

6. Please will ISIS confirm that none of its employees is on a zero hour contract or is paid less than the Statutory Minimum Wage. Please will ISIS also sign up to the Living Wage Campaign and confirm that its bases in Iraq and Syria are carbon-neutral.

Yours sincerely

Owen Jones MP

c/o The Labour Party, London