A few days ago in Israel, the country whose capital name may not be spoken.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Bibi, baby … Bibi, bubala, this is Barry.
What can I do for you, Mr. President?
So, Bibi, old buddy, just a couple of little things. First of all, I’d like to get in a little golf while I’m out visiting with y’all. You have a world class championship golf course like Pebble Beach that I can play for a few days and clear out everybody else until I’m finished?
Well, Mr. President, we’re a very small country and we don’t really have any land for golf courses. We actually we used to have one in Gaza, but you know we gave all of that up. You might check with Hamas to see if you could play that golf course. But be careful not to hook your ball, because it’ll end up in the Sinai desert, where the rough is really rough.
Too bad, Bibi, ol’ boy. Oh well, let’s get onto the next small matter. I was thinking about how I’m going to get some political leverage out of this trip with you all. I know that after all the rioting by the Palestinians in the West Bank, restarting the two state peace talks probably isn’t going to happen any time soon.
That’s what we’ve been telling you, Mr. President .
Yes, you have, Benji, baby, but I still have a Nobel Peace Prize that I have to make payments on. So here’s the deal, I’m going to go out of my way to make nice nice with you, but you have to do something for me.
What is that, Mr. President?
Well, I’ve been talking with the Turkish Prime Minister, and you know he doesn’t like you very much?
Yes, I know, Mr. President. What is it you have in mind?
Well, I think I’ve got him agreeing to resume diplomatic relations with your country in exchange for an insignificant little thing.
And what would that be, Mr. President.?
Well, Mr. Prime Minister, all you have to do is apologize for attacking the peace-loving Turkish citizens on their humanitarian mission as their vessel was entering the Gaza port.
Mr. President ,.we have nothing to apologize for. There was a flotilla of ships that were running our internationally legal blockade and one of the ships refused to stop and we had to board that ship. When we boarded, they attacked our men with pipes and knives. If these were peace lovers, why did they bring pipes and knives on board with them? In fact, our intelligence service determined that it was an entirely contrived incident for political purposes by The Turkish government. Some even speculate that the Turkish government was trying to establish themselves as the rulers of the next caliphate.
Yes, boychik, but think of the iron Dome, think of Iran’s nuclear bombs, think of being surrounded by ISIS, and think of how important my support of Israel is. Now, I need something to validate this trip. I need to be able to say to the public that I, Barack Hussein Obama, brought Israel and Turkey back together. Is that asking too much?
So Barry, what you’re telling me is that you’re going to throw Israel under the bus with a public relations stunt, in exchange for saying the things that you should have said from the very beginning. Is that right?
You’re a pretty smart guy, Benyamin. Here’s how it’s all going to go down. We’re going to be on the phone together and I’m going to tell the Turkish Prime Minister that you’re going to apologize for your country’s conduct and that he’s going to accept it, and that he will get the missiles delivered that I have previously promised to him.
That’s asking an awful lot from us, Mr. President.
Yeah, but Benjamin, my boy, you don’t even have to apologize for killing those people. You just have to apologize for some … say … tactical errors. Got it? We have a deal?
Well, Mr. President, okay. Just this once. But don’t flip-flop on us.