I’m not a fuddy-duddy.

I’m not some crapulous old coot who uses the word ‘newfangled’. I love my tech. I’m an early adopter. I dig my feet into the warm rich humus of change and feel it squelch between my toes.

I am, however, living in a steadily darkening world.

they’re a bizarrely different shade of halogen than the halogens I’ve already got

I grew up in a world which had one basic size of light bulb and one basic type of socket. There were variations, like the little sockets for the flame-shaped lightbulbs that went into chandeliers, but they were just that: variations.

Now I live in a world in which there are the little threaded sockets, the big threaded sockets, the bayonets, the two fat plugs, the two thin plugs, the little bulbs with thick wires coming out of them and the bigger little bulbs with thin wires coming out of them.

I have a drawer full of them, but whenever a bulb burns out I have none that fit. I order a package of new ones from Amazon because buying bulbs one at a time is a rip-off. So I get my new bulbs by next-day delivery and I try them in the sockets and they’re the wrong ones. They’re the slightly larger small ones with the slightly smaller large wires sticking out of them. Or they’re a bizarrely different shade of halogen than the halogens I’ve already got so that the area around the kitchen sink looks as though it’s been lit up by a searchlight from a guard tower.

Never mind the LED bulbs that last a hundred years but cost ten quid and are therefore out of the question. I don’t even look at those.

I have a little drawer which is absolutely jammed with lightbulbs that don’t fit any of my fittings, and a stairway light fixture that gets dimmer as the bulbs in it burn out one by one.

I love my tech, and so before too long the only illumination in my house is going to the super duper retina screen on my iPad, and I’m going to be holding it up by the side of the hob to light my way while I boil an egg.