This memo from Ayatollah Khamenei was found in a dumpster in the Islamic Republic of Iran next to unknown centrifuges, murdered protestors, and stones that were just used on an adulteress.
To the Revolutionary Guards, the Quds Force, hardliners, and the Republicans in the United States (who apparently have a lot in common with us according to President Obama) who want to derail this historic agreement. I urge you to hear me out on why this agreement is a good agreement. I have come up with 5 reasons as you ponder whether to symbolically oppose me or not.
1) This deal will allow us to continue our funding of terror against the Zionist Regime and our enemies.
We will be able to spend at least $50 Billion (probably more) we receive from the deal in any way we would like. President Obama said as much when he said “The truth is, that Iran has always found a way to fund these efforts,” in regards to the holy work we have been doing. While I already control about $95 billion dollars through Setad (according to Reuters) I will now be able to increase our activities in the Gaza Strip and West Bank to bring the Zionist regime to its knees. Yes, there has been a lot of social unrest in our Republic since we were almost overthrown in 2009 so we will have to throw some money to keep our puppet Rouhani in power, but we will of course continue our noble actions across the Middle East.
2) This deal legitimizes our nuclear program and our ICBM program
There are absolutely no restrictions on our research and development of the ICMB program and other aspects of our military. We made this deal specifically about our nuclear program. President Obama said in a debate with Mitt Romney that the deal he would accept would be dismantlement of our program. It is a good thing that Romney didn’t become President. Zarif has successfully negotiated to keep our program intact, including the site at Fordow, which the United States had not known about until 2009 and which Obama said we didn’t need.
Our ICBM program, which can “inherently” carry a nuclear weapon (wink), is in full gear. The world respects the military might of Iran. The agreement is worded so inarticulately that the Foreign Policy Initiative concluded, “The text of the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA) does not require Iran to resolve concerns about PMD (Possible Military Dimensions) prior to receiving relief from sanctions or any other benefits provided by the deal”. In the final days before the agreement, we all know Kerry and the Americans acknowledged that they may never know the extend of our research.
3) We can cheat on this deal…and get away with it
While we can follow this deal and wait 10-15 years to be a nuclear threshold state, we can also cheat on this deal to become much closer than we would have been to the bomb without this deal. First of all, we can stall through parliamentary procedures to make the window of opportunity the IAEA has to inspect us 24 days. While it is true there may be some traces of illicit activity, we would have already asked the IAEA what the basis of the complaint was so we can adequately prepare to hide, I mean address the concerns for the inspections.
Zarif has also ensured that no Americans can come in to inspect our sites. Since we do not have relations with the United States, Zarif made sure that only member states of the IAEA that we have relations with will be allowed to inspect our sites. Let me also say that the IAEA is a bureaucratic international agency that is susceptible to failure. We have also reached our own accords with the IAEA that the Americans are not allowed to see which includes a deal regarding our vital Parchin site. The Americans will never be able to see our agreements with the IAEA.
4) Once the sanctions get lifted we are in the clear
Zarif negotiated a “grandfather” clause in the agreement to make sure that our Western enemies cannot retroactively hurt our economy. Once the sanctions are relieved and we open up for business, contracts we reach with other countries cannot be broken by America if they accuse of us cheating. At the very least, we will have 65 days (probably more) to do as much business as possible before the sanctions on us “snapback”. When we establish these ties with other countries, it will be very hard for them to agree to “snapback” the sanctions! As Zarif explains, “Once the structure of the sanctions collapse, it will be impossible to reconstruct it. ”
5) Our Revolution has finally been accepted by the world
Our Revolution has finally been legitimized! When our great leader Khomenei overtook the Shah, we were in a perilous position. America didn’t accept us and neither did our neighbors. We survived the Iraq war only to continue our activities and export our Shia ideology. We have successfully killed Jews and Americans all over the world since our Revolution and the attempts to stop us have come up short. America rewarded us with a President who was finally willing to sit down with us and acknowledge the strength and righteousness of our Revolution. I am proud to remain in power for the rest of my life as your Supreme Leader and I will appoint a righteous person to continue all of the work we have accomplished over the years. Now let’s finish the job…we are in the clear