Mount Sinai Torah Giving Survey (c. 14th-12th cent., BCE)
1. Thank you for participating in the recent Giving of the Torah and Decalogue (Ten Commandments) at Mount Sinai! Please rate your overall satisfaction with the Religious/Spiritual Experience.
Your Ritual Committee,
The Seventy Elders
2. How accurately do each of these statements reflect your overall impression of the event, according to one of the following Categories?
—Not Even Close
A. I had an out-of-body experience
B. I felt engaged on a metaphysical level
C. I felt a deeper connection to my Hebrew destiny
D. I enjoyed the orgy, and that Golden Calf rocked!
E. Can I go back to Egyptian slavery?
3. Please rate Rabbi Moses on the following (1= Poor, Even though Moses Is the First Rabbi Ever, with the Lord God Almighty Advising Him; 5= Superb Rabbinical Leadership, Like Gold, Even)
A. Overall prophetic perfection, pulpit presence, & commandment clarity
B. Delivered Torah truths in timely tidbits
C. Made me think of my Hebrew heritage in a way I had never thought before
D. He really should do something about that speech impediment, and he’s so thin—now, how about that studly Joshua fellow, with that deep voice?
4. Please provide Meaningful Feedback on Moses’s Sermons, according to the Following Categories:
—Eh—He’s Too Nitpicky with the “Don’t’s”
—Feh—Not Detailed Enough; People will get away with All Kinds of Torah Violations
—Who Listened? I was busy Orgy’ing
A. Pre-Ascent of Mount:
Theme: Prepare for the Next Day:
Wash Your Clothes;
Go not near a Woman
B. Ascent of Mount:
Theme: When the Shofar Sounds,
Stand not near the Mount,
Or be Shot Through
C. Moses Descends with Torah:
Theme: When My Face is
Glowing, Come Forth,
And Learn Torah
5. Were you happy with the length of Services? Choose one Category:
A. Pre-Ascent of Mount:
—Just Long Enough
—So Go, Already
—What, He’s Gone? I Hadn’t Noticed
B. 40-Day Absentee Period:
—Oy! Is Moishe Dead?
—So, Nu, Aaron: DO Something.
C. Moses Returns:
—He’s Back? Uh-Oh.
—Sha! Time to Learn.
6. Were you happy with Foot-of-Mount Decorum? Choose one Category:
—It was Fine: Live and Let Live
—Hey, Baby: Want to Play my Tambourine?
—Levites! Take your Swords!
7. Please let us know if the following materials assisted in your Sinai Torah-Giving Experience, on a Scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “not helpful” and 10 being “extremely spiritual.”
A. Sound Amplification System
B. Visible Thunder & Heard Lightning (Synaesthesia)
C. Angel Blowing Shofar
D. Mountain Trembling
E. Clean Laundry
F. Lack of Cohabitation
G. Clearly Marked Boundaries Between Mountain and People, including Cattle
H. Presence of Non-Israelite Mixed Multitude
I. Golden Calf as Orgiastic Objective
J. Armed Anti-Orgiast Levite Vengeance Squad
K. Demanding Invisible Deity with Vengeful Streak
L. Poorly Equipped Substitute Class Monitor (Aaron)
M. Absence of Reliable Time-keeping Equipment: When Exactly did the 40 Days Begin and End?
8. Please provide any additional feedback about your Sinai Experience, including names of relatives killed in vendettas, queries regarding Possible Punishment for Sins Retroactive to Giving of Commandments, Sabbath Violations, Missing Laundry and/or Cattle, and Estimated Time of Arrival (ETA) in Promised Land.
9. If you have a concern you would like to discuss with Rabbi Moses directly, he sits adjudicating at the Tent of Meeting from Dawn to Dusk.
Or, for an Online Chat, you can contact his father-in-law, Jethro, at email@example.com
Thank you! Rabbi Moses, Aaron the High Priest & the Entire Priestly Staff, Joshua, and the Seventy Elders wish you a Happy Sinai Sojourn & Eventual Arrival in the Holy Land. We deeply appreciate your participating in this survey, which you can either print out and deposit at the Tent of Meeting dropbox, or email online to surveyhoopoe.com
May we share many religious moments together in the future, aided by the Holy One in whom a ruling majority of us believe — Amen!