Jerusalem, August 31 – Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu was hospitalized this morning and put under sedation after contorting himself to shore up the legitimacy of Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas as a peace partner.
Netanyahu began complaining of back pain upon his return from a secret meeting with Abbas in Jordan last week, a meeting at which he agreed to support Abbas’s projected role in the reconstruction of the Gaza Strip. The task of politically supporting Abbas, whose Fatah faction openly boasts of its involvement in hundreds of attacks on Israel, put too much strain on the prime minister’s body, and his back muscles evidently suffered some trauma, according to his physician, Dr. Rhea Liticzek.
“Prime Minister Netanyahu was brought to Hadassah Hospital early this morning complaining of severe pain in his lumbar area,” Dr. Liticzek told reporters. “It became clear during examination that the cumulative strain of bending over backwards to portray the Palestinian president as capable of, and committed to, a realistic negotiated settlement, has taken its toll on Mr. Netanyahu’s spine and lower back muscles.” She said the hospital had administered a sedative and the surgeons were considering operating, but options were limited.
“Usually in such a case, time and rest are the preferred treatment,” explained Sisi Fuss, who studies Netanyahu policy and health. “But this case is so severe that some of the tendons and ligaments may need immediate repair, since they will not fully recover on their own.” It would be different, said Fuss, if Netanyahu had expended less effort tying himself in knots to abet the world’s ignoring Fatah violence, and instead applied himself to bringing international pressure on Abbas to either put up or shut up in terms of a commitment to a peaceful solution.
Dr. Liticzek declined to comment on whether the prime minister had ignored medical advice by instead allowing Abbas a free pass at maintaining armed terrorist groups under his aegis. Nor did she address the other, graver possibility, that Abbas in fact does not control the Fatah militias affiliated with his movement, and any agreement reached with Israel would therefore be beyond his capacity to implement. The latter scenario might also indicate that Netanyahu is suffering from a heretofore undiagnosed form of blindness, which could only be determined with the patient fully conscious. No test has been scheduled for that purpose as of this morning, according to hospital spokesman Wes Ternmedia.
Find more of David’s satire at PreOccupied Territory.