This is a blog post, but who wants to reach most people uses not the written word but pictures and clips (YouTube). The Internet porn addiction promises the highest result the more nudity is included. The “Nudity” in the title here already guarantees wider distribution and viewing. If it had the word pictures, it would become a stampede.

The following point I make from a psychological angle, not a moralistic or religious one. Giving in to porn addiction and self gratification distort what sexuality really is: a way to deeply connect to another person. The addiction makes us “forget” to deeply connect, even when we have an opportunity to use sex what it’s best for. Instead of bonding with our partner, we’ll do solo-sex: closing our eyes, leaving the scene, depicting body parts and human actions far away. We replace then giving and receiving sexual pleasure by taking it. Grabbing is not sex – it is abuse.

Conversely, a lack of sex and hope on ever finding a sexual life partner pushes people to have solo-sex and casual contacts for perceived lack of hope for sexual union. This kind of practice does not make perfect at all.

So, solo-sex drives out real sex and lack of real sex pushes for solo-sex.

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Rabby Shmuley Boteach has been campaigning that sex obsession comes from a lack of lust. And that lust is pushed out by over-exposure to the naked body. As a result many people “have sex” for minutes and that’s it. And more-than-occasional “quickies” are not the real thing either, even not with a steady spouse and intercourse – supposedly THE thing.

So maybe we should all walk around stark-naked all day long (weather permitting) and only dress-up to be undressed for sex? Would that take away the almost endemic frozen curiosity of sex? I don’t know. For sure, it would bring much trouble to many people:

  • Where to keep small change,
  • How to flaunt your class position,
  • Facelifts won’t suffice any more,
  • How to cross dress, etc.

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Sex is to connect. So sex alone connects us to emptiness. But for many people loneliness invites a sex addiction. The first thing to do for getting out of such an addiction is: making friends – all kinds of friends. So solo-sex is like trying to set fire to a inferno. Sex at its best should be added to a steady friendship. No friendship or steadiness yet, no sex yet.

Sex at its best is two people choosing to connect. Any enforcement kills sex. Like a bucket of water poured over a match (even before ignition).

Sex at its best should be: doing something together in the world (gardening, bringing food to the poor, you name it), then eating something together without talking about problems (romantic is optional), then doing something physical together (shower, massage, cuddle), then adding something sexual, with climaxing being optional. This takes as much time as it revitalizes the relationship, makes the partners see/hear each other, unites them. Once one has that, no one would want / need an additional / another sex partner or solo-sex.

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So the solution to sex addiction needs real sex. Just like a solution to eating junk food requires eating real food. The real thing takes more time, but also satisfies, while from the fake stuff one never has enough.

Slogans like “Sex only to connect” work as little as mottoes against cigarettes. But still, change may start with real information. Knowing what is going on may be half our cure. So we all need to get a steady sexual partner, become friends and add slow sex to end loneliness.

There are no shortcuts. Sorry.