The recent launch of the latest installment in the Star Wars enterprise has been raking in record sales.  In addition to non-stop accolades from moms and stoners alike, some political heavyweights have also felt a need to weigh in.

Ben Carson

“I think we can be sure, that if the Jedi children had been allowed to conceal and carry, none of these massacres would be taking place. The only thing that can stop a Sith with a light saber is a Jedi with a light saber. I myself stabbed a Stormtrooper with a light saber once, and only his belt saved him.”


“I think it’s clear that we need longer waiting periods on light sabers….. Most importantly, we must remember that the First Order and other terrorists have absolutely nothing to do with the Dark Side, and history had its moments where even Jedis succumbed to bouts of violence.”

Breaking the Silence

“Finn demonstrates exactly what our organization stands for… He saw villagers being slaughtered by the First Order but could not stay silent. The First Order is like a sister to us. When you see your sister doing self-destructive things, what do you do? Call her a monster and sell her for parts on Jakku of course…”

Abu Mazen

“I enjoyed the clear condemnations of the occupation throughout the film. I was only confused at the end when Luke is found at an ancient Jedi temple, as there is no historical proof of such a temple existing nor a Jedi connection to the land. Let me be clear: I condemn all efforts to Jeduize al-QForce.”


“I will build a wall around our galaxy and I will get the First Order to pay for it. Easy. We will be destroying so many Deathstars, you guys are going to be tired of destroying Deathstars.”

Hillary Clinton

“I have good news and bad news…The bad news is that my emails are still awol…. The good news is that in my search for those emails, I seem to have come across a certain galactic map….”

Ban Ki Moon

“On behalf of the United Nations, we condemn the resistance’s indiscriminate bombing of the First Order’s Starkiller Base and the United Nations installations within the base. We are also committed to the right of return for all former Galactic Empire civilians.”