Oh, hello again

There you are, I’ve been waiting for you.
You’ve come to embrace, and strangle me
all at once, viciously.
That feeling that begs attention whenever I’m triggered,
“You are not better”
It says.
“You will never get over this”
It whispers,
loud enough to shatter me.
And I can’t even pick up the pieces fast enough because every time I try there is someone spitting venom that reaches every speck of debris and I’m taken back there all over again.

There is a “man,”
and I use that term very lightly,
a “man” who has been given power. Power to influence, power to control.
And this “man” has used and abused that power to explicitly encourage a certain type of control.
The type of control that monsters convince themselves that they have a right to.
That it’s owed to them.
That my body is up for grabs, literally.

“Grab them by the pussy”
No I will not blurt that word out. Why should I?
He is meant to be a leader?
True leaders words should never need to be censored.

“Grab them by the pussy”

And I’m sinking all over again, I’m making myself small because it’s habit and its curse.
And he is making himself big, because it’s habit and it’s his nature.
And we are allowing him.
How can we? Who have we become?
But she-
Yes, she.
But right now we’re talking about he.
And let’s get this so straight,  throwing her under the bus doesn’t make me want to run him over with it any less.

And now I’ll say what you’re never supposed to say, if you want to be taken as an intelligent person…

I no longer give a damn about politics.
I understand Who actually runs the world – but that’s a conversation for another time.

But I do give a damn about why we no longer care about people.
We care about ideologies that we can latch on to, whether they’re true or moral or not.
As long as they’re entertaining.
We care about popularity and “honesty”
Because hey, it’s ok to be crude as long as you’re honest about it.
“I respect his integrity”
I cannot taste those words in my mouth.
They just will not digest.

If the man who “grabbed me by the pussy” at the age of 5 had been a popular man
(for no other reason than his infamous ego),
would he be respected for being honest about his intentions?

Or is that respect only reserved for those who we’re not sure have actually performed this disgusting act,
but we’re certain have glorified and laughed about them.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

I’m reeling, spinning, dizzy from the confusion and the hurt and the realization that often time, survivors are only cared about when they tell their story to inspire,
And then they are expected to sink back down, close the gates and magically make the pain disappear on their own.

How can survivors be cared about,

when the acts that broke them are the very same acts that a person who is meant to unify and improve this world, has made acceptable.
Because he’s a “star”

How can we heal when we watch the world around us embrace this kind of vulgar behavior, and shake off our pain as simple overreaction.

I invite you to speak to a 9/11 survivor and ask them how it feels when someone jokes about planes crashing or terror attacks.
Tell them it’s not that serious.
Please, go speak to someone who has been held up and gun point and begged for their life,
If you point a toy gun at them, let me know if they laugh.
They must just be sensitive about gun control right? Liberals.

Oh its not the same?
Why?
Is it because trauma is only trauma as long as you feel you can call the perpetrator a bad person?
Is it because it’s “only locker room banter”
And banter has never hurt anyone right?
Please, I invite you to check the statistics of how many kids have committed suicide because of bullying.
Just banter.

But it’s not the same.
It never will be.
Because my body is public property. As long as big important men say it is.
As long as good people don’t and won’t say otherwise.
As long as we care more about an ideology than the human beings it destroys,
I will always just be a piece of meat, who is primed, ready to fulfill anyone’s right to “grab me by the pussy”.

So when you go to sleep at night, think about all of the survivors who cannot sleep,
Because they are too busy fighting off demons.
Last night I tossed and turned, and shivered out of fear for what we have become.
Did you sleep well?
Did your excuses and explanations and allowances rock you to sleep?

If you cannot hear our voices,
if you are too entranced by his, then please, at the very least,
do not look any of us in the face and tell us you support and feel for us.
Please.
Don’t pretend it’s not okay for some but okay for others.

Don’t tell me that a “private” conversation is not my business and I’m taking it too seriously,

I have the right to take my privates pretty seriously dontcha think?

And you have an obligation to shoot down their public exploitation.