August is national Quit Pooping in your Diaper month for toddlers. Seems we spend a great deal of our lives quitting or at least trying to quit something. It starts with the pacifier, then the bottle, then the diaper. Before you know it you have a strange auto erotic asphyxiation fetish and an addiction to smack that you’re trying to beat. It ain’t easy being a kid. Well it’s time us adults took an example from our children and go cold turkey on a bunch of shit. Like the following:
Quit using my money to fund made for TV action movies starring Steven Seagal Bank Discount (and Bank Leumi). That’s right. You heard me. You think I wouldn’t notice your credits at the very end, right next to the Tourism Bureau of Canada? Isn’t it bad enough you charge me a fee for every transaction, collect inflated interest rates on my overdraft and loans and then hand out million dollar bonuses to your execs? Now you’re funding straight to video action flicks? Which Steven Seagal wrote?! Did you actually read the script? I’m calling shenanigans on you Bank Discount. Quit it. I’m not joking. If Mizrahi Tefahot and Hapoalim weren’t being audited by the IRS I’d take my business elsewhere.
Hey Galgalatz, quit broadcasting the news every fucking hour. It’s depressing as hell to hear about all the people that hate us and want us dead. Or all the people we hate and want dead. You wanna know why there’s a traffic jam on the Ayalon from Holon junction all the way to fucking Rokach? Because some poor shlemazel couldn’t handle all the depressing shit going on in the world and drove into a truck right near Hashalom. Now Tamar is reporting a wait of forty minutes. Thanks a lot assholes. Quit it. Really.
Hey post office clerk, quit trying to up sell me on that Rosh Hashana package of stamps, coloring book and children’s CD. I’m here in the middle of the day, when I’m supposed to be at work, picking up a package that was apparently too big for the mail slot. I might have considered it if I hadn’t waited in line for forty five minutes, my eyes raped by an infinite loop of that same stupid and offensive commercial. Or the annoying exchange rates and ridiculous newsflashes that crawl at the bottom of the screen. Oh great, now I can get the new Eyal Golan CD too? Pay my electric bill? Book a trip to Thailand? Renew my car registration? How about delivering the fucking package to my house assholes. Quit it. It’s annoying.
Quit handing out gas masks and scaring the shit out of us, Home Front Command. We all know those pieces of crap won’t work anyway if the shit hits the fan. That’s right. I still remember putting mine on and peeing and pooping (see, we’re back to poop again) in a bucket in a safe room when we thought Saddam was going to use his chemical arsenal on us back in ‘91. Turns out those things were as useless as they were smelly. Now they hand out the new ones and expect us to believe that they’ll work when Assad or the Iranians or the Hezbollah or David Hasselhoff decides to drop some bombs on us. Look closely at the packages. It says do not open under penalty of law so even if you wanted to conduct some home experiments you’d be breaking the law. So I’m gonna do what my dad told me to do if ever I found myself in a plane that was plummeting towards the ground; bend over, put my head between my knees and kiss my ass goodbye. So quit it Home Front Command.
Quit it Maccabi. You may have the best basketball team in the country, you may have put Israel on the map but your beer tastes like piss. You can’t compete with that sexy cold lager Goldstar so don’t even try… what’s that you say? Both owned by the same company? Oh no you didn’t, Tempo. Quit making me think that I have a choice!
Quit setting up shop right outside every amusement center for kids, playground and bouncy house gymboree in every mall in this country McDonalds. Or worse. Stop building them into your restaurant. Isn’t it bad enough you’ve single handedly super sized American youth, now you want to poison us Israelis? Let me tell you this, I remember a time when there was no McDonalds here. Only McDavid’s. And it sucked. Big Time. In fact, it sucked so bad that I, an obese, nugget-fed Expat oleh contemplated eating healthy alternatives. Your food is processed. It’s killing us and now my three year old is addicted. The wiring in his brain associates all your happy meal toy bullshit with some pleasure center in his brain. He squeals louder when he sees a McDonald’s than he does when he sees me. Quit it McDonald’s. And Burger King…er Burger Ranch. You’ve been warned.
Quit trying to confuse me SuperSol. That’s right. I’m on to you. You raise the price of an item and then you offer me a killer two for one deal. Or worse. You offer me five bags of bamba for 20 shekel deal. I don’t fucking need five bags of that crap. I wanted one. Maybe two. Or worse. So much worse. Quit bait and switching me at the checkout line. It said buy one get one free on the Apropos. What do you mean it was only for regular and not Spicy Italian flavor? Should I hold up the entire line of angry shoppers to go and replace it? Quit it. I’m taking my business to Osher Ad (our own version, kinda, of Costco) and getting to know my Charedi brethren. I’m willing to accept God in my life so long as I can buy a kilo of generic brand cornflakes for ten shekels. So quit it Super Sol. And Mega. You’re driving me right into the arms of the religious and before I know it I’ll be putting on a Tfillin and reciting psalms on the bus. Halelujah! Praise Jesus.
Quitters never win and winners never quit. I say it’s time we all took a good hard look at quitting. And in case you were wondering the movie is called Kill Switch and it sucks.