The mitzvot you step on with your heels. That is what happens when you things are going well. You just start stomping…
(8:14) ‘And your heart grows haughty and you forget H.’ Just like all the rich people in this congregation who have not bought the shule a new building…
(9:5) Do not think it is because of your righteousness you are inheriting Israel. No! Rather, it is because the other nations are even worse than you are. And, you are inheriting the land, because I promised it to your forefathers.
It is for these reasons. Because other people suck even more than you do. Pilegesh BGiva? They are torturing innocent lives. Hollywood? They are focused on more shmutz. The only positive in your life is that they are more shmutzy than you…
You do not deserve it.
Rachel is getting married. It is thanks to her Yichus. Her parents do not make her deserving.
Her great great grandfather was the Sm”ac. A rabbi with an acronym…Important ancestry.
Why not think you are righteous?
(9:6) Because you are a stiff necked people.
Chaim. Yes, it bothers me. I have to look at this guy in a neck-brace every Shabbat.
(9:19) Moshe gives it to them: The golden calf. Remember that? I broke the tablets? If it wasn’t for me, H’ would have destroyed you? I could have had a better nation. But I stuck with you and fasted and prayed for your lives?!!!
It is tough to be a leader for you people.
(9:20) H’ was going to even destroy Ahron because of you…
The gabbai. I have to stick up for him too. He tries. Yes he messes up. He shouldn’t even be giving away galilah. It is an embarrassment. Might as well put a dunce cap on the guy…
Moshe says it better than I can.
(9:24) You have been rebelling against H’, since the day that I met you.
You are impossible. You people have been rebelling, with your…First it was cable, then it was the DVDs, now you are stealing movies and series off the internet…First it was baseball, then it was ping-pong, now you are gaming for 12 hours a day. How about playing the game ‘Ask The Rabbi’? That is fun. That game can be played with the whole family. You get the answer wrong, you get lashes. It is fun…
(9:27) I prayed for you. Why? I don’t know. But I reminded H’ that he is doing it for Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov.
That is the only reason. (9:5) You inherit Israel because of your forefathers.
You are H’s nation, because of your forefathers. Do not forget that. Do not think you are all money worthy. You have that money because your grandparents were involved in the building of the railroads…’Down By the River Side.’
The only reason we were able to get Rachel married is because she has a grandparent with an acronym.
You may not be that great, but do not step on your ancestry with your heel. They are you only hope to be great. They and the fact that the other nations of the world haven’t done anything right, ever.
***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.