Comments on: We are all victims of sexism

By: Aaron Sichel

Aaron Sichel — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 04:49:09 +0000

Miriam, believe me I hope not too!

I *can* indeed imagine that any father, married or single, who has prime responsibility for childcare during the day might be frustrated at hearing someone's thoughtless comments on the topic. Yep, I might also be irritated at hearing them.

But the significant majority of society is accustomed to the opposite roles for the sexes; in which the mother (or daycare center) has primary responsibility for young children during the day while the father is 'out working'. What's wrong with that?

Neither arrangement is necessarily better than the other. In this case I seriously say: 'Good for both of you for doing what works!'

But a person who opts for a minority role in society probably shouldn't be surprised to hear comments that reflect people's typical expectations. So long as he's doing right by himself, his family and his values why does it matter if somebody says something dopey?

Why is it society's job to make itself more sensitive to our particular lifestyle preferences? And if the author has the freedom to care for their children while his wife pursues a successful career in high tech, I have to wonder whether they're being "victimized" at all.

The author and his family are doing what works for them. So is everyone else. Neither they nor he are victims. They're just living life.

By: Miriam Gerver Donath

Miriam Gerver Donath — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 02:10:06 +0000

I hope that you never become a divorced father, Aaron. It might make you feel differently about this.

By: Elli Sacks

Elli Sacks — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 01:48:41 +0000

I get "pretty pissed off" when people make racist comments. Is that my issue or society's? Why should it be any different for sexist comments?

By: Aaron Sichel

Aaron Sichel — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 01:19:57 +0000

Oh please.

You're not a "victim". Your wife's not a victim. Your children aren't victims. "We" are not "all" victims. You've made a lifestyle/economic choice based on what works for you and your wife and your respective personalities. Your choice puts you in a social minority. The majority of couples structure their finances/work/family mix differently.

That's life. That's fine.

If you're feeling "pretty pissed off" that's your issue, not society's.

By: Aaron Sichel

Aaron Sichel — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 01:19:57 +0000

Oh please.

That's life. That's fine.

If you're feeling "pretty pissed off" that's your issue, not society's.

By: Mona Farkas Berdugo

Mona Farkas Berdugo — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 20:21:45 +0000

When my youngest was born my husband took paternity leave for a month. The only problem was that in order for him to get paid leave I had to go back to work (legally in Israel – at least at the time – parents got 12 weeks total paid leave but if the father took paternity leave the mother could not stay home too – even without pay. Ridiculous and sexist law, but still the law.) I took 8 weeks off and then my husband took 4. People were shocked that I was willing to "give up my vacation" to let my husband stay home. I said it wasn't a vacation and why would I want to keep him from taking care of our son? And what message would that be sending to him and to our children? They looked at me like I was nuts.

By: A Yehudah Ricardo

A Yehudah Ricardo — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 16:25:40 +0000

This is interesting. Before I became a single father, I worked evenings and stayed home with the children, picked them up from school etc. I got my share of "Mr Mom" comments when I would be the only father on a field trip, etc. But interestingly, once I became the single father, most of those comments stopped. Had we evolved dramatically overnight? Or was it just that when I was married, there was always the assumption that I was the SECONDARY caregiver?

By: A Yehudah Ricardo

A Yehudah Ricardo — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 16:25:40 +0000

By: Asher Zeiger

Asher Zeiger — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 15:19:47 +0000

Similarly, people have long ago stopped asking me if I "help" with the housework – because the answer was always "No, I don't." To "help" would imply that it is primarily my wife's responsibility and that she does the bulk of the household chores. Neither of those statements are true, nor were they even when I was working full-time in an office.

By: Tova Osofsky

Tova Osofsky — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 15:03:39 +0000

Yup. Been ranting about people who talk about fathers "babysitting" for years. And my latest rant, courtesy of Noa Buchman's experiences (plus a few of my own) – people who assume female health care workers are nurses and males are doctors/residents…even when over half the graduating physicians in Israel are women.

By: Beth Steinberg

Beth Steinberg — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 15:00:30 +0000

Elli, it's like at a Shabbat meal with guests where everyone assumed that I'd made the food when it just so happens that my menfolk are quite capable – as they should be – in the kitchen. Always annoys me.

By: Beth Steinberg

Beth Steinberg — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 14:59:36 +0000

Tova Osofsky, on the topic of gender equality – both sides to each story.

By: Elli Sacks

Elli Sacks — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 14:57:35 +0000

Excellent!

By: Elli Sacks

Elli Sacks — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 14:57:35 +0000

Excellent!

By: Sarah Hein

Sarah Hein — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 09:33:34 +0000

Thank you Asher! You echo thoughts I have had for so long. To this day I find myself reminding people that men don't "help" with the children, they parent them.