Kyoto, Japan, or possibly Guangzhou, China, we can’t tell, September 17 – Researchers investigating oceanic formations in this teeming coastal city have made a titanic discovery: that icebergs and Goldbergs are apparently identical.

icebergChinese oceanographers, though on second thought they could be Japanese, documented formations extending from near Pearl Harbor in the Hawaiian Islands all the way north to Alaska, and realized that the vast ice mountains at higher latitudes had the same structure and operated under the same principles as Europeans carrying the surname Goldberg, who are mostly of Jewish ancestry.

“It hit us like a punch in the face,” said lead researcher Chang Kyushu of either the Guangzhou Organization for Oceanographic Knowledge or the General Oceanographic Operation of Kyoto. “We couldn’t believe it. But the data were all there.”

Initially, Chang attributed the figures to bias in the data collection, but a closer look revealed the deep existential similarities between icebergs and Goldbergs.

He noted that both types of formations are known to cluster in areas with their own kind, and have been trod upon by pagans and other gentiles for thousands of years. Observers seldom look beyond the surface of either icebergs or Goldbergs, and dismiss the deep truths they carry. As a surname of German origin, Goldberg represents what Jews originating in other parts of the globe often consider a coldness and stiffness.

Whoopi GOldberg“You might have thought that Goldbergs, associated as they are with European history, would be the polar opposites of icebergs, but not so,” said Chang. “I admit I got a sinking feeling when I realized I’d been making an artificial distinction my whole life.”

Adding to the similarities, he continued, are the tendencies of Goldbergs to form breakaway units of the larger collective, and to preserve, to varying degrees in various places, a link to the ancient that elsewhere ceased to exist in that form centuries or millenniums ago.

“Also,” said Chang, “though they may look rooted, in fact both icebergs and Goldbergs are merely floating, and can be buffeted by various forces that either force them to move elsewhere or destroy them entirely. Climate change is not just an issue of global temperature: the same environmental shifts that cause the icebergs to melt also cause people around the world to blame the resulting chaos on Goldbergs and their ilk, even though those formations didn’t do anything to cause the trouble.”

“They just looked different from everyone else,” he said. “But in fact each one is unique, and it’s unfortunate that outsiders look at them and see a monolithic mass.”