In an effort to keep Israel’s dolphin surveillance team from penetrating the beaches of Gaza, Hamas have now deployed their formerly best kept secret, the Suicide Squid Brigade. Under the watchful eye of Ameen Bin Diving, the Squid Squad is now ready to come out of their covert rock garden and take action.

In an earlier plan, Lobsters had originally been chosen for the highly coveted Brigade but it was soon discovered that Lobsters have difficulty detonating explosives due to poor claw movement. Previous attempts to train Piranhas, by London based Abu (the Hook) Hamza didn’t end up so well either.

Since 2005, it is thought that Hamas have amassed some 10,000 herring, spread out in schools at various locations along the Mediterranean coastline. Speaking on behalf of the herring population, Captain Red stated, “The Zionist entity have taken us for granted for too long. I lost my entire family to the pickling process. I don’t want my children to be future shmoltz!”

When the last flotilla was boarded it was unknown at the time why 250 kilograms of carrots had been hidden below the decks. It is now rumored that Hamas were looking to recruit Gefilte Fish too. In an official statement to the Israeli Prime Minister, Hamas have demanded that ‘all Jews everywhere MUST stop taking what is not theirs to take. Any future negotiation MUST include the return of ALL Fish Balls!’

A. Salmon contributed to this report.