The following meeting may not have taken place, but who knows? Truth is quite often stranger than fiction.
Minutes of a meeting dated September 1st 2013.
Ali Khamenei (Supreme Leader)
Hassan Rohani (President of Iran and Meeting Chairman)
Eshaq Jahangiri (Vice President of Iran)
Sadeq Larijani (Chief Justice)
Bashar al-Assad (President of Syria) attending by Skype dial-in
Hassan Nasrallah (Secretary General of Hezbollah) attending by Apple Face-Time
Khaled Mashal (Chairman of Hamas) attending by Google Hangouts
Agent X (Representing Russia)
Opening comments by Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader:
“Firstly, I’d like to welcome you all here to this very important meeting. I know you had no choice as you would have been executed if you didn’t attend, but thank you anyway. I’ll now hand you over to President Rohani. Over to you Hassi.”
Hassan Rohani, President:
“The first phase of our plan has worked. Our distinguished colleague from the Syrian Arab Republic has successfully managed to divert all world attention away from Iran. Additionally, he has successfully tested the chemical weapons supplied by our friends from the East. And the bonus in all of this is that the weakness of the western infidels has been exposed to the world. We have never been in such a strong position. “
“In a little under four weeks, I will be attending the United Nations conference to implement the second phase of our plan. This is a tough operation as it involves showing sympathy for the alleged victims of the alleged Holocaust. But we believe it will be worthy of the reward. Apart from the Israelis, the world will see that we are compassionate, honest and no threat to world peace. Does anyone have any questions at this time?”
For the record, Sadeq Larijani has raised a hand.
Sadeq Larijani, Chief Justice:
“But how can we stop the world from listening to the Israelis? I think they may be on to us.”
Ali Khamenei leans over the table and slaps Larijani and declares:
“Don’t ever infer that the Israeli’s may be greater than us at anything. You will be killed next time.”
Hassan Rohani continues:
“Your Excellence, please excuse the foolishness of the head of our judicial system. We have taken every precaution to discredit the Israelis. We will be using the strategy used by our honorable allies in the Hamas. I have seen the speaking agenda for the conference and we are speaking before the Israelis. In time honored tradition of blame and accusation we will reverse everything onto the Israelis. We will demand that Israel will have to comply with UN sanctions for their own nuclear development program. But my own speech will make no direct remarks about Israel. After I speak, they will continue to believe that I am a ‘moderate’.”
Laughter echoes around the room.
Agent X leans forward and coughs to get the attention of the room:
“Our leaders have stated that all of you need to implement an image makeover. Assad, it may be a little late for you. Everyone else will start with Facebook and Twitter. You will begin to follow the other world leaders and, where necessary, re-tweet their inane rantings as if you agree with what they are saying. Additionally, you will post pictures on Facebook that will show the world how ‘happy’ and ‘giving’ you are. For many years now we have closely been monitoring the Obama administration. His rise to success was down to two things. Facebook and Oprah Winfrey. We dispatched Agent Z to speak with Winfrey who has declined our generous offer. We will implement a substitute celebrity in her place. In the meantime, start adding friends, liking posts and joining groups.”
“We also have a solution for the Syrian problem. A solution that will show the recent events as nothing more than a forgotten memory. We will tell the world that all chemical weapons will be destroyed and that inspectors may enter to verify. This will give us at least another two years to triple our stock piles of WMD’s and find better hiding places.”
The room erupts into spontaneous applause.
Agent X continues:
“The nuclear program in Iran will be completed in time for the UN conference. The world, until now, believes that a Nuclear armament has been the goal. They did not know that this was just a secondary goal.”
A crackling noise emanates from the PC speakers and a text message received sound is heard.
For the record Khaled Mashal states:
“It’s Assad. He has just texted me that his skype connection has dropped. I told him to use Face-Time.”
Agent X regains the center of attention:
“The nuclear capability that has been harnessed to date is the most powerful nuclear device in the history of the world. President Rohani will be the first world leader to ever use the nuclear powered version of this device while at the UN conference.”
Hassan Nasrallah exclaims:
“Tell us what it is!”
Agent X smiles wryly:
“We have finally completed the Nuclear powered Bullshit cloaking device. It will work only on the weak-minded, but that will suffice for now.”