The tooth fairy came by the other night and left a surprise gift underneath my pillow. And by “tooth fairy” I mean my stupid fucking cat and by “surprise gift” I mean a nasty shadoobie that smells like, well, it smelled like shit.

And that was it. Couldn’t go back to sleep. Nor could I wake up my wife to tell her that she was, in fact, not a princess. Because if she were, she would have felt that shadoobie underneath ten mattresses, let alone one therapeutic pillow.

“My allergies. I can’t smell anything.” She protested, half asleep.

But I was too busy frantically washing and rewashing the sheets. And myself. (Out damn smell!) And chasing after that fucking cat with a butcher’s knife in the dark to hear what she was saying.

Hereeeeeeee’s Jason.

All work and no play make Jason a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jason a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jason a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jason a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jason a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jason a dull boy.

And while I Elmer Fudded my way through the pre-dawn cat hunt (fucking cats love the dark) I couldn’t help but think of how much better my life could be if I weren’t such an early riser.

1. I wouldn’t have to smell that fucking salad that was left out all night. Because my mother in law hates onions. So she segregates them like some apartheid country. And then leaves them out overnight. And they smell nasty.
2. I wouldn’t step on the cat’s hairball or puke. Somebody else would.
3. I wouldn’t be tempted to send out friend requests to that chick I went to high school with. Or actually send them out. Or cancel the request after a week.
4. I could have a heart attack and nobody would notice for hours. In which case I’d be dead.
5. I am an optimist. I wake up early because I feel like today, any day, is MY day. So I rush to the computer. Nobody emailed me, liked my pic on Instagram or tweeted about me. But those assholes at LinkedIn did email me that some douchebag is having his work anniversary. Great. Now my life sucks and it’s not even 5 am.
6. I wouldn’t have to hear the next door neighbors cough up phlegm, or his lung, as he gets ready for work.
7. I wouldn’t see that fucking cockroach scurry out to the merpeset (service balcony). I hate cockroaches. Hate them. (and what’s the use of having a fucking cat if said feline doesn’t hunt aforementioned cockroach?)
8. I wouldn’t stub my little toe on that god damn coffee table every time I pass by it. Because it’s dark.
9. I wouldn’t be the first one to realize that D, my four year Mohican, had missed the toilet bowl entirely when pissing in the middle of the night. Nor would I have to clean it up.
10. I wouldn’t scare the shit out of myself when I pass the mirror in the dark and I get spooked because there’s no way that fatso with the moobs and the strands of facial hair and the red eyes is me.
11. Yeah, eleven. Deal with it. I know I said ten but fuck it. Top ten lists are for dickheads. Top 11 lists are for geniuses and epic lovers.
12. Uncharted water here. The deep end. Blogging with the sharks.
13. I wouldn’t be reminded of the seventeen Ferrer-Rocher chocolates that I ate, the packets of which I crumbled up and tossed on the table the previous night. There’s no way I had that many. If someone else were up before me they would have thrown them away and it would be like it never happened.
14. OMG. I’m up to 14? Whoa.
15. OK, last one. I wouldn’t turn on the TV and realize errrrr, remember that the last show I was watching before I went to bed was a Lifetime original movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.
16. Just kidding. This list goes on.
17. I wouldn’t text that prospective employer to thank her for interviewing me and tell her I was thinking about her. It just comes across creepy at four thirty in the morning.
18. I wouldn’t eat that chocolate coated wafer that had been sitting out all night. Because it’s really stale. And smells like onions.
19. I wouldn’t brush my teeth with my mother in law’s toothbrush. Because that would be disgusting. And just the thought of it turns my stomach. (Note to self, buy a different color toothbrush)
20. I wouldn’t be so fucking angry all the time. Seriously. Can you imagine me not cranky? My blogs would be about how much I love Israel, love my mother in law and most of all how much I love that shitty cat.
21. Top 20 lists are also for assholes
22. Aren’t cats supposed to be clean? What kind of pathetic excuse for a cat shits on the same bed that he sleeps?
23. The last one wasn’t really a reason. More like a thought. A terribly silly one. Like most of my thoughts before 5 AM. Like should I learn Arabic? Maybe take classes in computer programming? Should I join a gym? Do people like me? What am I doing with my life? Is my penis of sufficient size? What if I die here? Who’ll be my role model? So no, that would all stop if I were still asleep. I’d be dreaming of wonderful things. Like rainbows and cupcakes. Or trannies who wear Hello Kitty slippers.

So no more waking up early for me. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow. If for no other reason than to be able to stay up past eight PM and not fall asleep mid bl…