Thank you letter to the UN: (I really sent this)

Dear Mr. Secretary General and UNHRC,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for calling a special session in order to condemn Israel for the 7th time. This seems like an appropriate and proportionate course of action given the status of our current world. Syria is committing mass murder to its own people by the hundred thousands and they have been condemned 4 times. ISIS in Iraq is persecuting and killing Christians and they have never been condemned. Russian militants shot a civilian plane out of the sky and they too have never been condemned. So it is only reasonable that you called an emergency session to condemn Israel yet again. I applaud you on your ability to prioritize.

I also praise you on your decision to investigate Israel for war crimes.  Given that China, Cuba, Russia and Saudi Arabia, who are the poster children for human rights, were elected to your council I can rest assured that you know a great deal about war crimes and who is committing them.  You proved this once before with the Goldstone report. That was such a fair and unbiased report, but for some reason Goldstone himself subsequently renounced it.  Maybe he forgot about your collective agenda momentarily.  Oh well, Israel was condemned nonetheless and that’s all that really matters.

To UNHRC, as a human rights organization I am so glad that you care so deeply for the people of Palestine, especially Hamas. What an upstanding, noble and peaceful group of people. Who wouldn’t want to hand over all their land to them? Who wouldn’t want to drop their weapons, dance in the streets and demonstrate equal rights for everyone including women and gays in their very presence?  This sounds like an award winning idea to me.  The fact is Hamas is truly generous. They have so graciously thrown thousands of rockets at Israel without neglecting a single city. We could all learn a thing or two from Hamas, and with your help we all will.  Your compliance and favoritism of Hamas (by virtue of supporting Palestine, who voted for Hamas as their governing power) and its allies have expressed to the world that maybe we should all be a little bit more like them.  So let’s see what that would look like:

I for one have learned that it is OK to teach young children the importance of killing Jewish people and that if they do so they will be rewarded. I have learned that strapping on a suicide vest and walking into a mall will not raise a UN eyebrow, but it will actually give me more rights and respect from you. I have learned based on your failure to condemn this, that if an enemy is trying to attack me all I need to do is grab the nearest woman or child next to me and hide behind them.  If they die it is a crime against humanity and I am innocent.  Because of your logical reasoning, Mr. Secretary General and UNHRC, I now know that I can hide my large supply of rockets in the local school, one of your schools even. We both know that when you find them you will put on your best shocked face (you’re so good at that!) and you’ll give them back to me the next day. Kudos to you for being so polite! It’s so nice to see such manners in today’s world.

I want to thank you for letting all of us know that it’s a great idea to build underground tunnels underneath villages and cities of those we don’t like, and that we are free to store weapons in them. You never know when you might need to surprise that obnoxious neighbor whom you hate because of their religion, their culture or just their existence actually.  Did someone say Rosh Hashana surprise?  I also want to thank you for turning a blind eye to Hezbollah and their respective tunnel digging.  No doubt with their stronger army and more advanced technology they are sure to wage a much more exciting war against Israel in the near future, which will be completely Israel’s fault of course.

I want to praise you for letting Iran know that they have a green light to build a nuclear bomb. Because Hamas is a dear friend and ally to Iran and you support Hamas, Iran now knows that is has your unconditional support to make this world a brighter, Jew-free and more radiation-filled place brimming with joy and cancer. For peaceful purposes only of course.  They don’t have a bomb yet…

To conclude, I want to thank you for all you have done for this world. Because of you each nation has the potential to rise to greatness by realizing its capability to be intolerant, violent, criminal and corrupt. You have set the precedent for a world truly gone mad with all your lies, bias and neglect to represent humanity.  Never before has the possibility of a WWIII looked so promising. Never before has a second Holocaust seemed fathomable, until now. Never before has the world looked so hopelessly flawed.  These are the high standards you have set before us and I know I speak for all future generations when I say we are eternally grateful.

Oh wait did you not hear anything I just said? No big deal. You were just ‘looking the other way’. You’re very good at that