For it was in those days, that there was much discord in the Middle East. The King of the House of Saud in Arabia did view with caution the new Pharaoh of Egypt. The new Pharaoh of Egypt was distrustful of the optometrist who ruled in Syria. In Iraq, there was no King, and tribe fought against tribe. There were Arabs of the Gulf who did amass much coin, and verily did they desire to increase their power, and they did purchase football clubs in Europe, and yachts, and large homes in London and New York. They were mistrustful of the Persian Empire, who had elected a ‘moderate’ from their midst, and this moderate who did smile widely when faced with infidel cameras of the West. But the Arabs forgot not that there was still an Emperor in Persia, and not only his ‘moderate’ viceroy. And the Turks in the North had grown restless, for their neighbour Syria was also no more, and many refugees had fled to escape the optometrist, the Butcher of Damascus and Aleppo, and they had no love for him.
And it was that many innocent people did die in this era. They were shot and stoned, hanged and beheaded. The armies of the Caliphate did rape the women and kill the children, for they were Christians and Shia, and did not believe as they did. The optometrist in Damascus did drop bombs and gas on his own citizens for he was a cruel and savage tyrant. And the nations of the world sat up and took notice, and they did confer amongst themselves, and they did go to merchants of hardware and tins of red paint did they buy.
At that time, the President of the United States, the putative Leader of the Free World, the Nobel Peace Prize Winner, the Great Orator, did dip his paintbrush in the paint and did draw a line, and behold – the line was red. He did declare, that such behaviour was not compatible with basic human decency, and he might send planes to teach the Tyrant a lesson. Concurrently, the Prime Minister of Great Britain had also bought some red paint, and did draw the same line and said, “There shall be consequences!” But Edward Miliband, the Leader of the Opposition did take the tin of paint and hurl it at the Prime Minister’s face decrying, “You shall not pass, for we know not of this tyrant, nor those he fights against, and they may be infinitely worse.” And there was much turmoil and bewilderment.
The Great Orator stood up in Washington and declared, “The optometrist shall be given the opportunity to give up his poison gas, for the British thankfully have stood me up, and I didn’t really want to go anyway.” And the Middle East saw that the Great Orator had no interest in their part of world, for he preferred to play golf, and they resolved not to heed his promises. And for many moons the war did not cease.
And it was that there arose a minister in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, and he was tasked to talk to the nations of the world. He was of tall stature, and did have a bouffant of hair and a chin so prominent that it preceded him wherever he went. And the minister had tried to be elected as President, yet he had been defeated by a man who liked funny hats. And as a minister he did focus on the Land of the Jewish People, for they had continued to build very dangerous houses on land that had been “stolen”. And the Minister did travel to the Holy Land many times to persuade the Jewish People to remove the very dangerous houses, to release some prisoners and to not protect themselves against those who rose up to kill them. And he did make promises to all and sundry that all conditions would be upheld, and initially all parties believed him, for he was a minister of the great Empire across the sea, of America.
Yet when the period of negotiation came to an end, it became clear that the minister had misrepresented both sides, and they did leave the room in disgust, while muttering, “Stupid Americans.”