On May 23 this year, a narcissistic sociopath murdered four men and two women in his rage at failing to pick up girls like his victims and at the guys who were successful at it – like his victims. Between the murders and Rodger’s “manifesto” both written and visual (no, I am not linking to either), the media had plenty of meat to chew on.

The main focus of the coverage has been Rodger’s hateful attitude to women who “should have” noticed him (his hateful attitude to successful men doesn’t seem to get much mention). Between the incredibly popular hashtag #YesAllWomen and the flurry of articles on the “misogyny” of the sites Rodgers tended to frequent, one would think that every romantically unsuccessful guy is a violent psychopath just waiting to crack.

Except that this is baloney. If even a small fraction of the men who are romantically unsuccessful were truly that dangerous, we’d be hearing about a lot more such murder sprees and assaults – and I mean serious physical assaults, not just leering, whistling and name calling. Furthermore, many commenters on ‘Manosphere’ sites (more on this in a second) are indeed angry and resentful, but I don’t think they’re any more dangerous than your average internet political commenter who spews bile from behind a screen but wouldn’t dare attack anyone.

The real problem isn’t romantically unsuccessful guys becoming monsters, women-haters or what have you – it’s their decision to simply give up on finding someone. This is not just the problem of the “loser” guys, ladies, it’s your problem – because there simply aren’t enough natural Casanovas to go around. If you’re wondering why there are so few men around, this is a big part of the reason.

Nor is this a “white guy thing”. In Japan, it’s called becoming Herbivore. In the Black American community, it’s called “going ghost”. In every country and among every race, the story is the same – solid, generally decent guys giving up the romantic race because women don’t consider them attractive or suitable enough for a serious relationship. Sometimes this is done out of anger, sometimes out of despair, and sometimes just out of apathy. The result is always avoidable misery.

The sad irony is that the much-derided ‘Manosphere’ can help many romantically unsuccessful but otherwise good guys to improve and turn themselves into a catch. Yes, many Manosphere sites are all about sleeping around or kvetching about women. But the best of them – and there are many – are all about masculine self-improvement in the best way.

Athol Kay takes many of the insights of the Pick-Up Artist community to help ensure a healthy and sexually active marriage. Just Four Guys is chock full of practical advice for guys and girls on the dating scene shorn of the conventional misconceptions and lies that made many of these men so miserable and unsuccessful in the first place. Red Pill Room has fascinating and non-hateful analyses of romance, and on men and women at their best.

No matter how self-congratulating, to assume that Elliot Rodger is representative of what is often called the “beta male” community is not only wrong, but terribly misguided. Rather than spend all this time tearing them down, it’s about time everyone started helping them to build themselves up.