My name is Nudnik Shpilkes, reporting from the foot of Mount Sinai.
Apple took the world by storm last night when one of its sales representatives unveiled two unique tablets. The revelation of the tablets had been long awaited as the sales rep — who answers only to the name of Moses — had taken stress leave for 40 days and 40 nights.
This was because he needed to sort out numerous design flaws. The sales rep — reported to have shafts of light streaming from his head – claims the tablets come with a 100% guarantee to never fail.
This has created discord within the company, given that its I-Pad, I-Pod, I-Phone and I-Shabbes Service are designed to be obsolete within two months of leaving the factory floor. The new tablets, by contrast, are guaranteed to never malfunction or even reach their use-by date.
The tablets — released in limited edition — take the notion of touch-screen to a new level. They are constructed from fossilised rock, the text etched into the surface and immutable. Furthermore, they are designed to capture markets in every nation and in every language, resonate with every faith group and command a following in the billions.
No such claims ever accompanied Steven Jobs’ product launches, typically conducted in marble-floor warehouses with giant screens before 2000 hand-selected salespeople flown on Gulfstream jets to the deserts of Las Vegas or Dubai.
These tablets, on the other hand, were unveiled in the punishing Sinai Desert, 160 kilometres north-east of Egypt before three million hungry Jews, many sporting unseasonably healthy tans from having spent 270 years building pyramids.
According to unconfirmed reports, the revelation of the tablets took place after the Jews decided to down tools. According to Bobba Myerson, spokesperson for the On No Account Are We Volunteering Union — whose acronym is Oy Vey — the Jews were harshly treated in Egypt, the most cruel aspect of their conditions being that they were forced to eat nothing but unleavened bread — leading to three centuries of constipation, with only sun-dried tomatoes for flavour and no health fund to turn to.
After raiding the Cairo Blood Bank and Nile Wild Life Association for a supply of frogs, lice and locusts, Moses became the first person in history to stand up for workers’ rights. When his attempt to bargain for improved work conditions was rebuffed for the tenth time, he organised the biggest mass walkout and longest industrial lock-out in history. As it is written in Exodus 16, Verse 443, he put out a tweet simply saying – “Jews, we’re outta here!”
Adding to the confusion, after the Jews walked out, their employer, who answers to the name of Pharoah, received a furious protest from the Rail, Bus and Donkey Union at the fact that they had walked and not used public transport.
Threatened with another strike, Pharoah dispatched the Egyptian Federal Police to seize the striking Jews, issue them with travel passes and force them onto public transport.
However, in a twist of fate which saw the Red Sea surge to a level which even Al Gore had not predicted, the police were caught in a series of rip tides. Lifeguards from the Alexandria Lifesaving Club were ordered to save them, but succeeded only in retrieving 12 pairs of Hugo Boss hiking boots, 150 Country Road waistcoats, 17 bronze daggers and three years’ supply of unleavened bread. And sun-dried tomatoes.
Two final comments on this unusual story. A spokesperson for the Cairo Tax Office, on noticing a massive Golden Calf which the Jews built in the desert, angrily asked this reporter: “Where did that gold come from? I don’t recall taxes being paid on any of it.”
And a spokesperson for the Palestinian Authority objected at the Jews establishing a settlement in the Sinai, calling on the United Nations to boycott and divest itself of the new tablets.
In the interests of balance, I should note that ABC TV last night rejected this entire story as a figment of the fevered Jewish imagination, but, to borrow a trusted journalistic cliché, let’s not let the facts get in the way of a good story.
This is Nudnik Shpilkes signing off.
Vic Alhadeff is chief executive of the NSW Jewish Board of Deputies in Sydney, Australia. Twitter: @VicAlhadeff